Rip-off reds

MASOCHISTIC Bob Belshaw has been watching the Labour Party conference on the telly, even though there’s much more exciting programmes on the other channels, such as adverts for Stannah Stairlifts on STV.

Pummelled by all the politicising, policy-making and pontificating, Bob is now regretting his reckless decision to show an interest in the affairs of his nation.

“I once took my son to see the first Star Wars trilogy of movies, playing back-to-back at a local cinema,” says a beleaguered Bob. “It didn’t last as long as Keir Starmer’s keynote speech. Plus Keir didn’t have any exploding Death Stars, talking robots or lightsaber duels. What an absolute rip-off.”

Taking the biscuit

WE recently discovered that crime writer Ian Rankin doesn’t know who the killer is when he starts a novel, only figuring it out after he has progressed deep into the story. Which has us speculating whether other famous authors improvise without much forward planning.

Reader Sandy Morrow wonders if Irvine Welsh got three quarters of the way into Trainspotting before deciding to start from the beginning.

He suddenly realised that his hard-hitting tale about Edinburgh blokes addicted to Milk Chocolate Hobnobs was never going to top the best-sellers list.

Wax or wane

SCIENTISTS claim they will soon be able to bring the Woolly Mammoth back from extinction. This startling revelation led a Diary correspondent to suggest that one of the massive beasts could be put to good use playing in goal for Scotland.

Reader Adam Lennox scoffs at such a foolhardy plan.

“Woolly Mammoths are incredibly hairy and the next World Cup is in super-hot Qatar,” Adam points out. “To have any chance of winning the competition, we would have to give our goalkeeper a full body wax.”

Reflecting on work

CAREER-MINDED reader Gavin Bennett says: “Cleaning mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.”

Walling on wheels

THE Diary is devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. David Donaldson suggests a vehicle used in a mobile dry stone walling business could be labelled ‘Van Dykes’.

Shirley, surely?

WITH all the hullaballoo surrounding the new James Bond flick, reader Eddy Cavin is predicting the media hysteria we’ll be buffeted with in the days ahead. He foresees a thousand-and-one articles with the headline: ‘The Bond Theme Song - Hit or Miss?’

(It’s always a miss, nowadays. Bring back boom-voice Bassey.)

Timely intervention

“I HEARD that the British Horological Society was looking for nominations for new members,” says reader Mary Carter, “so I put my clocks forward.”