Apocalypse now

FACEBOOK and other social media sites temporarily shut down earlier this week, forcing millions of horrified users to engage with the real world for the first time in years. Reader Derek Fletcher’s wife mourned her tragic loss of precious screen time by piteously whimpering to her hubby: “I’ve always wondered what a zombie apocalypse would be like. Guess this is the closest I’ll get to finding out.”

Sweet and lowdown

THE late uncle of Ian Noble from Carstairs Village always took nine spoonfuls of sugar in his tea, though he wisely never stirred his cuppa, no doubt aiming to avoid any combustible chemical reaction.

Ian once asked him: “Why nine spoonfuls?”

“Because 10makes it too sweet,” was the profound reply.

Gritty or grubby?

WITH the new 007 movie in cinemas, the Diary has been pondering the cultural impact of the smoulderingly suave superspy with the licence to be a Lothario.

Iain Harrison from Linlithgow tells us that he once suggested to a lady of his acquaintance that he could easily be the next James Bond.

"More like the new Columbo," was her immediate response.

“Needless to say, the relationship did not survive,” sighs Iain.

Liar Liar

ON a bus into Glasgow city centre from Shawlands, reader Sue Fletcher overheard a middle-aged chap say to a friend: “It’s not so much that I mind my son fibbing all the time. I just wish the lies were a bit more believable.”

With a world-weary shake of his head, he added: “I’m seriously considering enrolling him in a creative writing class.”

Bedtime story

WE’VE recently been ruminating about the curious origins of certain surnames. Russell Smith gets in touch to say that he feels obliged to point out that not all the people who share his surname are on the Witness Protection Scheme.

Our reader declines to reveal whether he himself is a beneficiary of the scheme. Though the Diary admits to being a tad suspicious when he gives his address as:

Russell Smith, Cowering Beneath The Bed With All The Lights Off And The Doors Locked, Bolted and Double-Bolted, Largs.

Tanking it

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Moira Paterson suggests we extend our search to tankers. Which, she explains, would give us… Van Diesel.

Snow joke

IT’S been a while since reader Margot Walton had a holiday, and she admits to missing her jaunts to the snow-capped peaks that once thrilled her so much.

“My skiing ability is going downhill fast,” she says.

Read more: Will Boris put his Ahh levels to the test?