Polite to a fault

THE Diary has proof that Scottish footy fans are a genteel breed, as sophisticated and well bred as any peer of the realm.

Reader Becky Burns was in a bus leaving Glasgow city centre a couple of hours before Saturday’s Scotland-Israel match when she glanced out the window at a passing taxi.

The back door of the cab swung open, a chap bedecked in tartan regalia leaned out, and vomited most prodigiously on the road.

He then swayed back into the cab, slamming the door shut.

Says Becky: “I was impressed that this mannerly chap understood that it’s more polite to hurl one’s digested breakfast out of a cab, rather than in it. Such a nuanced approach to etiquette ... surely this is the very fellow to take home and introduce to mama and papa?”

Scot... or not?

THE normally mild-mannered Diary recently dissolved into a fit of pique upon discovering that certain Scottish words have not been introduced into the latest edition of the Oxford Dictionary.

Which reminds Robin Mather from Musselburgh of a couple of former bosses of his, both hailing from Glasgow.

When a new Scottish Dictionary was published they announced their criterion for deciding on its quality, with one asking the other: “Does it include embdy?”

Softly softly

A DOORMAN guarding a pub in Glasgow city centre was spotted by reader Sarah Harrington patiently explaining to a drunken chap why he wasn’t being allowed into the venue.

A second doorman, clearly disappointed by his colleague’s approach to the bouncing trade, scornfully said to him: “See, for being a big muscly boy, you’re a helluva softy.”

Bill’s blast-off

SCANNING internet news sites, reader Maurice Bruce came across a headline next to a picture of William Shatner, which stated: "Star Trek actor to be launched into space".

Maurice says: “I was intrigued by the use of the passive in the headline, which implies that Shatner has very little say in the matter.”

Fungi not fun

A DIARY tale about the precariousness of sky diving reminds Stan Ireland from Kirn of a statement he heard about fungi: “All mushrooms are edible. Though some only once.”

Sound idea

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. David Donaldson suggests that a vehicle to transport sound engineers from gig to gig could be labelled… Van, 2, 3, Van, 2, 3.

Sticky situation

CREATIVELY inclined reader Michael Baxter plans to write a movie about a chap who has trouble letting go of the past.

“It’ll be called Cling Film,” says Michael.

Read more: Next generation of Beckhams fails to impress