Meal ticket

THE 12-year-old son of reader Ted Hosking asked dad what it’s like to be a grown-up. In a moment of inspiration, Ted explained the exhilarating process of reaching maturity…

“When you’re young, life is one big Chinese buffet,” said Ted. “Everything looks appetising. And such variety! Maybe try this. That looks yum, too.

“Then you get older, and life becomes a burger van. And you better like burger, cos burger is all you’re going to get.”

Alas, Ted’s son had no idea what his old man was jabbering on about. Though he did ask dad if they could order a Chinese takeaway.

For some unfathomable reason the little lad suddenly felt rather peckish…

COP that

POLITICALLY minded Alan Ward has been hearing rather a lot about some sort of bigwig shindig soon to take place in the West of Scotland.

Our astute reader says: “All this talk about COP26 must mean they’re filming the next movie in the Police Academy franchise in Glasgow. Personally I’m thrilled. I’ve always been a huge Steve Guttenberg fan.”

Brainbox battle

AFTER much disruption, academic life is returning to normal with our nation’s scholars applying themselves to what they do best… messing about like great big dafties.

At St Andrews Uni, the tradition of first year students dressing in wacky costumes and battling on St Salvator’s Lower College lawn, using the trusty weapon of shaving foam, resumes this Monday.

Combatants are never fatally wounded, apparently. Thought it’s always a close shave.

Cash not carried

GLASGOW criminal lawyer Matthew Berlow has bumped into the occasional nefarious character during his career. Though a visit to a Highland town gave him a rare glimpse of saintliness in its purest form.

“Tain is an honest place,” marvels Matthew. “I left my wallet on the roof of the car all day, and it was still there when I got back.”

The car was still there, too. Proving conclusively that Tain truly is a morally upstanding town.

Magical transformation

“I’M glad it’s October,” says reader Lucy Hunter. “All the dust and cobwebs in my house have instantaneously become Halloween decorations.”

Mod art motoring

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. John Mulholland suggests that galleries could transport innovatory artwork in vans emblazoned with… A Van-Garde.

Workaday woes

AN inspiring story of struggle, strive and triumph from reader Nicola McNeill. “As a young woman I lived from one pay cheque to the next pay cheque,” she says. “But through hard work and perseverance I now live by direct deposit to direct deposit.”

Read more: Going from Bard to verse