Food fluster

WORRYING evidence that reader Darren Barton is toppling over the precipice into muddled middle age.

“I went into a place selling takeaway food,” reports Darren. At the counter he said to the lady at the till: “I’ll have one of your… um, what do you call them? You know. A thingummy.”

After a few minutes of such confused mutterings the serving lady expertly guessed: “Do you mean a kebab?”

Indeed he did.

The name of the edible really should have been on the tip of Darren’s tongue, as the takeaway he entered was called Kebab House.

And kebabs was all they sold.

Nobel knocked

GLASGOW crime writer Douglas Skelton is in a frustrated mood. “How come I never won a Nobel Prize?” he grumps. “I've no’ had a bell on my door for years.”

Blues go green

SCOTLAND’S glut of goals against the Faroe Islands earlier this week (it was a one-goal glut, to be specific) has footy fan Ken McLean enthusing about the sparkling performance: “Glad to see that our football team has reclaimed its position as one of the most Covid-safe international sides in the world,” he says. “By refusing to score many goals they prevented spectators standing up and cheering wildly, thus reducing viral transmission significantly. Good on you Scotland!”

Punchy poet

FORMER Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe gets in touch to give the Diary a proper scolding that we thoroughly deserve, after we called Ayrshire’s favourite bard "Rabbie".

Says Sir Brian: “Robert Burns was NEVER called Rabbie as that was the name given to the village idiot and if you addressed him as that he would have punched your headlights out.”

The Diary humbly accepts the above clarification. Except for the part about Burns punching our headlights out.

The poet lived in 18th century Scotland. So he would have punched our candle lights out.

Bang to rights

IMPRESSED reader Iain Walker says: “It was fitting that William Shatner was blasted into space this week. After all, he did invent it.”

(After much astronomical rumination, the Diary concludes that this is not the case. It’s true that Shatner is an elderly thespian, though we have evidence that he was born sometime after the Big Bang, not before it.)

Holy roller

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. John Mulholland says: “Preachers could spread the word of God and be eco-friendly by driving electric vehicles emblazoned with… e-Vangelist.”

Message? Meh

DISAPPOINTED reader Emily Daniels once visited a postcard museum. “It was nothing to write home about,” she shrugs.

Read more: A hunger for life's lessons