Mix max out

THE Diary was devastated to hear rumours this week that pop band Little Mix could be on the verge of splitting up. For those who don’t follow the music scene, Little Mix are a modern-day version of the Beatles. If all the Beatles had been named Ringo. And Ringo hadn’t bothered learning drums.

Some of our more suspicious readers may fear that, like Little Mix, the Diary team will call it quits one day.

We categorically assure you this will never happen. In the office, our band of journalists manage to avoid falling out with each other by never talking to each other in the first place.

And our talented roster of story contributors are prevented from leaving us as we keep them locked in a dungeon secreted deep within the catacombs of Herald Towers.

Though just in case they do manage to escape, we have numerous hefty trunks stuffed with classic tales. A selection of which is presented below…

Number’s up

A CHAP entering an Edinburgh bar spotted two comely young women and heard one whisper to the other as he went past, “Nine.”

Chuffed at the thought they were marking him out of 10, he was thus deflated when the mate he was meeting asked him: “Did you see those two German birds at the bar?”

Boss man

A READER thought the Glasgow ned on the late-night bus was perhaps just showing off a little too much when he told his mates that he had been stopped in Sauchiehall Street by police officers who wanted to search him and asked if he had anything sharp on him.

“Yes,” he claimed he replied. “A Hugo Boss jacket.”

Big Apple blues

NEW YORKERS can sometimes be aggressive, reported a Dowanhill reader who had visited the city. He added: “Manhattan beggars often suffer the wrath of locals who tell them, ‘Get a job,’ or, ‘Get a life,’ among the more pleasant comments.”

Walking near Central Park, our reader spotted a beggar holding a large piece of cardboard with rough handwriting. It read: ‘Tell me off for a dollar.’


A FALKIRK reader told us about a group of mums waiting at the primary school gate when one of the little ones came out in a blazer that was clearly too big for him.

The perplexed little lad then shouted out: “Haw, maw! Someone’s nicked ma Polos – and left me 10p and a hankie.”

Fast food flop

A GLASGOW reader claims a lad in Buchanan Street told his mate: “I don’t believe that saying, ‘A woman loves a man in uniform’. I went out three times in my McDonald’s uniform and didn’t pull once.”

Wining and whining

A READER told us her friend looked up from her glass of wine in a cocktail bar and declared: “My great fear is that there is no such thing as PMS, and it’s just my personality.”

Cop that

“THEY say,” said the 19th-hole philosopher at an Ayrshire golf club, “that 40 is the new 30. But just try telling that to a traffic cop who’s pulled you over.”

Read more: Pitta patter no mean feat