Cyclist’s rocky road is a load of bollards

WE continue our run of poetic masterpieces composed by readers. The following ode, by Gordon Wright, is a tragic tale involving a chap’s rocky road
to despair.


Cycle lanes! cycle lanes!

These very words just fry my brains.

Then double yellow lines appeared,

The very things that we all feared.

Now bollards have arrived by night,

Another bloody awful fright.

Like aliens from the planet Zok,

All the neighbours are in shock.

A trip I had on a bollard base,

Sent me flying on my face.

I jarred my back and sprained
a wrist,

Someone asked if I was p****d.

No use complaining to the City Chambers,

They are quite oblivious to these dangers.

I’m sending a letter to Unesco,

I can’t get parked at our local Tesco!

Don’t tell me to walk, I’m not
a sluggard.

If I can’t find somewhere to park my car,

I’m well and truly b******d.

TV tiff

INFURIATED Malcolm Boyd, from Milngavie, confessed to a friend that he had been shouting at the television. His friend admitted to doing likewise. 

“Should we be worried about this?” pondered Malcolm.

“No,” replied his friend, who explained he had consulted his psychiatrist son, who informed him that he only needed to worry if the television shouted back.

The late review

TELLY tales continued. The favourite programme of Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, is Later… With Jools Holland. He adores the entire concept – apart from a couple of minor irritants. “I wish it was broadcast earlier,” he says, “and presented by someone else.”

Bide a while

A CONSTITUTIONAL query from reader Lindsay Young,
who says: “With the shortage of accommodation for COP26 delegates, if the Queen at Holyrood took in the President of the US, would that make him her bidie-in?”

Flipper flipped off

ZOOLOGICALLY-MINDED reader Ashley Harper says: “It’s commonly believed that, next to humankind, dolphins are the brightest creatures. But it was
a penguin who wrote all those classics. In your face, dolphins.”

Lost and found

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Bob Jamieson constantly forgets where he has parked his car, so thought about having Van Gogh written across it. Then he could ask if anyone had seen a blue VW, and someone might reply: “There’s one ear.”

Bargain (not) basement

ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Eric Jones informs us he’s launching a roofing business that offers free estimates. “They’re on the house,” he says.