Food for thought

DOING his best impersonation of one of those knowledgeable chaps who turn up on Antiques Roadshow to examine random pieces of junk, reader David Donaldson once came across some posh porcelain cups and plates, which were embossed with close-up images of Michelangelo’s starkers statue of David. Our correspondent was very impressed, concluding that the plate would have been ideal for serving meat and two veg.

Flight of fancy

BROWSING in a shop selling musical instruments, reader Neil Ross spotted a middle-aged bloke buying an electric guitar. The chap explained to the salesman that it was for his teenage son’s birthday.

With a chuckle, the salesman said that hopefully the lucky youth would one day become a famous rock star, then he could buy a private jet as a present for dad, to show his eternal gratitude.

Dad answered: “I’ll be demanding TWO private jets. After all, I’m also buying the lad a plectrum.”

Driven to despair

A TRAGIC tale of a career that careered into a brick wall. (Metaphorically speaking.) Stevie Campbell from Hamilton says: “ I quit my last job, which involved me wearing a grey suit and cap while I drove businessmen around.”

Our reader adds: “I put in a lot of effort, but at the end of the day the wages were so low that I didn't have much to chauffeur it.”

Sluggishly sarky

THOUGHT for the day from reader Tom Woodhead, who says: “If a sloth clapped, it would always sound sarcastic.”

Schoolboy error

A DIARY tale about a lazy youth reminds Julie Harrison from Motherwell of the occasion when her teenage son informed her that he had got his results for a series of school tests, and had only managed to score 15%, 10% and 33%.

Trying to make the best of a bad situation, the lad said to mum: “If you add them all together, it’s a pass.”

Boozy broom-broom

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Carl Williamson from Largs suggests that a vehicle delivering booze could be named Van for the Road.

Picture this…

“I’M so old,” says reader John Chambers, “that I can actually remember getting through a whole day without taking a photograph of anything.”

Golden slumbers

ANIMAL loving reader Gordon Craig informs us of research that shows that thirty per cent of owners let their pets sleep in their bed.

“I tried it,” says Gordon. “But my goldfish didn’t look all that great in the morning.”