Budget briefing

CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak is hard at work preparing tomorrow’s Budget. Meanwhile, Diary correspondent and crafty clairvoyant Eddy Cavin has decided to predict how the big event will be reported…

1) Action packed, thrill-a-minute images of the Chancellor on the steps of 11 Downing Street, holding a red dispatch box.

2) Commentary about what the Chancellor is drinking while he makes his speech. (If it’s not Irn-Bru the SNP will complain of yet another outrage perpetrated against their poor, beleaguered nation.)

3) Analysis about what the Budget means if you are a single person; married with two children; retired with a works pension; or a tax-dodger living in the Channel Islands.

A wizard idea

THE granddaughters of Bob Jamieson have been reading The Lord of the Rings, which has inspired them to dress as hobbits on Halloween.

They also suggested that Bob join them, dressed as a wizard. “You could be Grandalf,” they said.

Footering about

A FRIEND of reader Tony Miller got a job as a chiropodist. The first day was difficult. “I guess he was still finding his feet,” says Tony.

Time trial

THE Diary is discussing teenage geniuses, which reminds Roddy Young of the occasion when his local licensed establishment offered a potential recruit a trial shift, from 5 to 7.

Unfortunately five o’clock came and went, with no sign of the wannabe bartender. 6pm passed in the same manner.

All was made clear when the young chap eventually strolled through the door for his shift… at 6.55.

Groan ups

ANOTHER tale of teenage travails. Donna Lawrence was on a train travelling to Glasgow with her son, who was looking forward to celebrating his birthday with lunch and a visit to the cinema.

A conductor arrived and asked for tickets, and Donna proudly informed the chap that her son had just reached adulthood.

“Welcome tae the real world,” said the rather grumpy-faced conductor. “Yer nae gonnae like it.”

Promises, promises

WITH thousands of delegates coming to Glasgow for COP26, the Diary is suggesting what newcomers to the city can do for entertainment of an evening.

Reader Joe Bailey says the COP crew should visit Glasgow’s Victorian graveyard, the Necropolis, on Sunday night to enjoy a spooky Halloween.

Joe adds: “Being surrounded by graves will also remind delegates of the climate-change pledges they regularly make, which are then buried away when they think the public’s forgotten what was promised.”

Brought to book

“I JUST finished a book about anti-gravity,” says reader Kenny Green. “I couldn’t put it down.”

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