Driven to distraction

COMEDIAN Andy Cameron tells us that his first car was a Mini. One day it decided to grind to a huffy halt on the road to East Kilbride from Rutherglen. Andy vacated the poor, puggled motor and attempted to discover what was ailing it so, by staring hard at it, and pretending he had the slightest clue about rudimentary mechanics.

At that moment a shiny Jaguar came zipping up the road, so Andy waved down the driver in the hope of obtaining some knowledgeable assistance.

Out of the Jag stepped a stunning young lady, to whom our hero garbled some words, and somehow managed to ask for help.

She smiled sweetly and said in honeyed tones: “I’m awfully sorry. I can’t help you. I’m a chiropodist.”

Doing his best Cary Grant impersonation, Andy responded with simpering suavity: “Could you maybe give me a wee toe?”

COP that

DRIVING west on the M8, reader Stephen Murray spotted an overhead sign which read "COP26 Plan Ahead".

“I slowed down and kept a good lookout,” says Stephen. “But I didn’t see it.”

Feeling low

THE Diary isn’t merely a literary masterpiece, to be discussed in the same hushed and reverential tones as the works of Shakespeare, Burns and that chap who devises all those pithy comments that are stuffed inside fortune cookies.

We are also highly respected in scientific circles, especially when it comes to our painstaking fieldwork.

For example, Diary correspondent Roderick Archibald Young gets in touch to say: “Research shows that six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.”


IT has been reported that 322 electric vehicles were left to gather dust in Glasgow car parks for almost two years as Covid restrictions prevented council staff from being trained to use them. Reader David Donaldson is not impressed.

“They weren't able to learn how to drive electric cars?” he scoffs. “What sort of deprived childhoods must these council workers have had that they never went to a funfair and got behind the wheel of a dodgem?”

Bend sinister

STROLLING round the aisles of her local supermarket, reader Glynis Porter spotted pills for back pain… on a bottom shelf.

“Clearly shelf stockers are diabolical sadists,” concludes Glynis.

The name game

EAGLE-EYED reader Eric MacDonald spotted an article in The Herald which reported that the leader of the Howard League in England, who promote penal reform, is the rather intriguingly named Frances Crook.

Fast thinking

INQUISITIVE reader Mike Harvey says: “If McDonald’s sold deep-fried snails in their restaurants, could you really call it fast food?”

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