Brush with greatness

LIKE an ageing Hollywood starlet who goes under the scalpel in order to acquire a more youthful visage, Glasgow has been receiving an intense sprucing up this past week.

The Diary has no idea why this nip and tuck is taking place, though we are sure it is merely coincidental that COP26 is happening at roughly the same time.

Glancing out his office window overlooking Broomielaw, reader Dougie Jardine was astonished to spot a council inspired buffing up of a nearby path. And no expense had been spared, for two street-sweepers were working in tandem.

Though, alas, they appeared to have only one brush and pan between them.

Climactic decision

COP26 revisited… A victim of the ghastly Glasgow weather, reader Nancy Barker says: “Couldn’t climate change activists demand less money is spent on windmills and more on umbrellas?”

Musical interlude

A FRIEND of reader David Russell was walking his dog in East Lothian and got chatting to a lady who was also perambulating with a pooch.

This lady explained that she’s known as Vivaldi. Asked if she came by this moniker because of an aptitude for music, she explained that, regrettably, this was not the case.

It transpired that her given name is Viv, and she works for a popular German discount supermarket.

Running dry

NEW ZEALAND based Scottish crime writer Liam McIlvanney is feeling anxious. And rightly so, with the current disruption to global supply chains having far-reaching effects.

Liam reveals that it’s now more than two months since a can of Guinness graced the shelves of his local shops.

“Surely some kind of humanitarian intervention is imminent?” wails the traumatised author.

Timely intervention

CLOCKS turn back an hour this weekend. The husband of reader Carol Murray told her he always finds it difficult to get his head round the change. So to ensure that he’s fully acclimatised, he proposed that for the few days leading up to the climactic clock-winding event he should saunter over to the pub for his daily seven o’clock tipple at 6pm instead.

Carol complimented hubby on his forward thinking, then suggested an alternative idea. On the relevant days he should wake an hour early and do household chores.

“And,” she added, definitively: “No clocking off.”

Double trouble

MORE COP26 fun. Reader Dan Featherstone reveals he has a degree in climate change.

“In ten years,” he adds, “it turns into two degrees.”

Dead funny

A SPOOKY Halloween tale. “After spending this Sunday running round dressed as a zombie,” says reader David Young, “I’ll be dead on my feet.”