The fear factor

BRACE yourself, gentle reader. Prepare for some disquieting intelligence. Tomorrow is Halloween.

Though that isn’t our scary news. You probably knew that anyway, and already have your fancy dress costume good to go. (Chaps will have been rolling about on the carpet to further crumple a musty old suit, before dumping a mop on their scalps. Then – voila! – instant Boris Johnson. A lady’s Halloween attire will merely consist of presenting herself at a party with a grumpy fizzog, then snarling that she has come dressed as Greta Thunberg.)

So what is our terrifying news? Well, because tomorrow is Halloween, the diabolical Diary has decided to reward you with a ghoulish selection of creepy tales from our cobweb coated archives.

So get ready for…GASP! A story involving a dead man.

Plus… SHRIEK! A cruel Glaswegian.

We also have a devil dog (and a devilish dog groomer), friends who don’t exist, and a tale with knives. (They’re plastic, though can still give you a nasty nip.)

And most terrifying of all? A narrative referencing… statistics. Which are always a nightmare to get your head around.

Puzzling pint

A LANARKSHIRE reader realised the barmaid in his local was new at the job when a regular took his empty pint glass to the bar and told her: “Another dead man.”

The girl replied: “Okay, a pint of Deadman,” and started frantically looking at the names on the beer taps.

Foxy lady

GLASWEGIANS can be cruel. A reader catching a train home watched as a young chap was mocked by his mates about his new girlfriend. “People say she’s very foxy,” he said, defending his paramour.

“That’s because she rakes through the bins at night,” a so-called pal hooted back.

Dog gone it

AT a west of Scotland school, a pupil was asked by a teacher why he wasn’t wearing his school tie. He claimed his dog, a Rottweiler, had eaten it.

“For goodness sake,” said the teacher, “why were you using your tie to play with a Rottweiler?”

“Please, sir, I wasn’t,” the lad replied. “I was wearing it at the time.”

Ancient wisdom

A READER attending the 100th birthday party of a friend’s great grandmother asked the old lady if she was looking forward to her 101st birthday.

“Yes,” replied the birthday girl. “I’m encouraged by the statistic that very few people in Scotland die between their 100th and 101st birthdays.”

Biting remark

A MILNGAVIE reader booked a mobile pet-groomer to give her pooch a clipping. Her husband walked in and declared: “Twenty-five quid? I get my hair cut for less than half that.”

“Yes,” replied the pet-groomer, “but I’m assuming you don’t bite.”

Disposed to idleness

A YOUNG chap was in a Maryhill supermarket, buying paper plates and disposable knives and forks.

“Having a party?” enquired the chatty person serving him at the till.

“No,” he replied. “I just can’t be bothered washing dishes.”

Facing the truth

“WHEN I was young, I had an imaginary fried,” revealed a chap in the pub. “Now that I’m on Facebook, I have 260 of them.”