On your bike

THE world-famous visitors to the West of Scotland have quickly settled into life in this sophisticated and cultured neck of the woods.

Greta was spotted getting to grips with the Glesga lingo in Festival Park, lustily tossing crude words into the autumnal air, which most likely scandalised the local squirrels and hedgehogs.

And Joe Biden’s motorcade whizzed past a Greggs bakery, though disappointingly the POTUS didn’t stop for a pastie. Perhaps he was maintaining his appetite until he could purchase a haggis supper from a chippy further up the road.

But what has any of this got to do with local Glasgow gyms? Rather a lot, apparently.

For Nuffield Health have stated that they “anticipate higher usage over the coming weeks due to COP26”.

The Diary wonders why.

Could it be that Boris and Macron intend ironing out their differences by seeing who can pedal faster in a spin class?

Competition curtailed

SUSPICIOUS Neil McIntyre from Ayr says: “Have you ever noticed that only one company makes the board game Monopoly?”

Hospital hijinks

AMBITIOUS Bob McCall from Shawlands wonders if anybody will sponsor him to film a documentary set in an orthopaedic ward.

“The show will be called Dislocation, Dislocation, Dislocation,” says Bob.

COP cops

APPARENTLY some members of the Scottish police force are enjoying their deployment to the West End of Glasgow during COP26. Strolling along Kelvin Way, near the Art Gallery and Museum, Diary reader Deedee Cuddihy engaged two officers on patrol in casual conversation.

"Are you getting fed up with folk like me stopping to chat?" she asked.

"Not at all," one of them replied. "I normally work in an area where most members of the public would be very unlikely to approach the police."

"And where’s that?" enquired Deedee.

"Clydebank," came the answer.

Back to black

THE ageing process is truly delightful, like enjoying 12 rounds of fisticuffs with Tyson Fury.

With a resigned sigh, reader Rab Thomas tells us: “I used to hurt my back going over the handlebars of my Chopper bike, falling out of trees and playing rugby. Now my back hurts when I brush my teeth, cough or tie my shoelaces.”

I Spy

EAGLE-EYED former Labour politician Sir Brian Donohoe spotted that the registration number on the tail of the private plane bringing the Russian delegation to COP26 ended in 007.

With a raised eyebrow, Sir Brian says: “From Russia with love…”

Brought to book

“I’M writing a book about reverse psychology,” says reader Stacey Preston. “I entreat all Diary readers not to buy it.”

Read more: A cakewalk for a satisfied diner