Tree-mendous gag

THE gathering of green-minded geezers and gals in Glasgow may be called COP26, but there’s certainly more cops on the streets than a mere 26. This week the assembled might of the constabulary attempted to block an elderly demonstrator who was dressed rather conspicuously as a tree.

One nearby wag was heard shouting at the leaf laden chap: “Are you Special Branch?”

Pooch perfect

OBSERVANT reader Doug Maughan spotted the van of a dog walking service which was called ‘Ruff and Ramble’, which our correspondent rather approved of.

“Even better,” says Doug, “It was parked in Muthill, or Mutt-hill as I’ve heard it pronounced.”

Big cat-astrophe

A HERALD article about Calderpark Zoo reminds Robin Gilmour from Milngavie of the apocryphal tale of the lion that escaped from the Glasgow enclosure.

Two wee boys rushed into the police station in Baillieston, shouting: “Sergeant, sergeant, come quick! It’s the lion, the escaped lion. We seen it running down Errogie Street… the escaped lion, sergeant!”

The sergeant slowly lifted his head from the desk and said: “Listen lads, I’m here all on my own. So the lion will just have to fend for himself.”

Attire… or satire?

THE International Handball Federation has responded to accusations of sexism by changing rules regarding women’s uniforms, and will now allow bike shorts and tank tops instead of bikini bottoms and crop tops. Reader Gavin Robertson believes other sports should also provide appropriate attire.

“Football is mostly played during winter months in chilly conditions,” he points out. “So instead of wearing shorts and T-shirts, competitors should wear sensible clothing. I propose stout leather brogues, full length corduroy trousers, cosy Fair Isle cardigans plus tweed jackets.”

Gavin adds: “Such a sensible ensemble would ensure our brave sporting chaps don’t fall prey to a severe case of the winter sniffles.”

Burnt offering

NOT everyone is as adept as Nigella Lawson in the kitchen. Reader Mary Broome says: “Rock bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concerts.”

Raging at ageing

A DIARY tale about the delights of getting on in years reminds Tom Graham from Troon of the two Ayrshire golf club members who were lamenting the problems they had encountered as they grew increasingly grizzled and grey.

One summed it up thus: "This growing old is a b****r. I'm not going to do it again."

Cold comfort

“I BOUGHT my wife a fridge for her birthday,” says generous reader Kyle Delaney. “You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.”