Rhyme time

THE Diary considers itself the last bastion of culture in a world of fickle philistines. We provide fine art with our daily photograph, and philosophy, courtesy of the profound musings of our correspondents. Sometimes we even ravish readers with poetry, such as the following ode, titled Heroes, by Gordon Wright…

Desperate Dan, now there’s a man,

Who could take a smack from a frying pan.

Then Superman, who could run and fly,

Swooping on villains, from the sky.

Now Greta’s here, the bravest by far,

She’s just said the F word to Andrew Marr.

And a climate march is turning to farce,

As Greta starts chanting, “Up your ****.”

Eco warriors, reserved and pensive,

Will find these sweary words offensive,

So Greta, in case you get arrested,

For saying words that are detested,

Tell us quick, before they ban it,

How on earth can we save the planet?

Brought to book

OUR correspondents continue to prove their literary merit. Reader Finlay Buchanan informs us that he recently completed a scholarly work titled The Role of Irony and Put-Downs in Scottish Literary Fiction.

Wishing to avoid the plaudits such a magnum opus will undoubtedly inspire, he intends using the pen-name I Thattleby-Wright.

Heroic hound

SURPRISED reader Rod MacCowan says: “Is there just the slightest irony that the hero dog who saved a British soldier in World War II, and was recently commemorated by the unveiling of a statue in Strathaven, was a German shepherd?”

Smooth exterminator

“HOW does a Dalek keep its hard outer shell silky smooth?” asks reader Mandy North. “EX-FO-LI-ATE!!”

Ayr we go?

THE friendly Scottish welcome to weary wayfarers is famous the world over. Debbie Meehan was awaiting a train from Ayr into Glasgow when she got chatting to four young foreigners. She assured them that they were on the correct platform.

Alas, the sneaky Glasgow train then decided to depart from an entirely different platform.

Debbie’s new chums turned out to be Argentinian journalists visiting the country to film a COP26 documentary.

Being the forgiving sort, they promised not to mention Debbie’s dubious directions in their final cut.

Van vamoosed

EAGLE-EYED reader Robin Gilmour from Milngavie spotted a notice on the back window of a SUV with a tow bar, which stated rather despondently: ‘ If you can read this .. I’ve lost a caravan somewhere.’

TV or not TV

“MY wife and I watched two films, back-to-back,” says reader Alan Bullimore. “Luckily I was the one facing the TV.”

Read more: Alan Cumming gets camper