No fairytale

TO quote the most famous Noddy not to have a chum called Big Ears… It’s Christmas!!! Okay, not quite. It’s only November 11. So before the big day arrives we first have to suffer…

1) Cutesy Crimbo adverts. (Already begun.)

2) Annoying neighbours plonking tinsel-wrapped trees in living room windows. (Already begun.)

3) Crusty curmudgeons complaining about cutesy Crimbo adverts and tinsel-wrapped trees in living room windows. (Already begun.)

Perhaps the state of Texas has the right idea. A Dallas bar has banned Mariah Carey’s song, All I Want For Christmas Is You from the jukebox until December 1.

Musing over what she would like banned over the festive period, reader Alice Ward suggests Shane MacGowan singing his seasonal hit, Fairytale of New York.

“Seeing Shane’s face on telly doesn’t bring to mind Christmas,” says Alice. “Just my next visit to the dentist.”

Too much information

CONTINUING our festive theme… Martin Morrison from Lochinver purchased a tent for his son's Christmas. Amazon confirmed dispatch of an "Outdoor Tent". Martin is delighted to be given this highly specific information.

It saves him from advising his son to construct the tent beneath the bathroom sink.

Home alone?

OBSERVANT Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie spotted there’s a new BBC documentary about a hermit in the Highlands named Ken Smith. Our intrigued reader wonders if this is the legendary scribe of the same name who once edited this column.

Alas, it is not. For it’s exceedingly difficult for a Herald Diarist, former or otherwise, to become a hermit.

To maintain the splendiferous palaces we reside in requires a serving staff of hundreds.

Run ragged

WE recently revealed that Diary correspondent Finlay Buchanan plans to publish his first book. He now informs us he’s working on a second, titled Ultra Marathon Running in Ireland.

The author will be using a pen-name… Eamonn Payne.

Flight of fancy

STROLLING on Buchanan Street, reader Patrick Harris spotted environmental campaigners lustily singing the John Denver classic, Take Me Home, Country Road.

“Having witnessed the behaviour of the COP26 delegates,” says Patrick, “I suggested to the campaigners a more appropriate Denver song – Leaving on a Jet Plane.”

Food for thought

“I USED to get really angry at breakfast time,” says Norman Watt. “Turns out I was lack-toast intolerant.”

Read more: Climate change going from bad to verse