Rhyme time

ONCE again a Diary correspondent has sharpened his quill, consulted the muse, then supplied us with lines of verse. This ode to the odious chaps who rule Britannia was written by Jim Dunlop from Largs.

Hail puddin’ o’ the UK race

Wi’ floppy mop and sonsie face,

Presidin’ o’er the House of Sleaze

Breaking laws and lying with ease.

Eton chaps are splendid blokes

Born tae rule o’er common folks.

Their rule of life that greed is good

Tae hell wi’ folk that have nae food.

Bring back the Empire, rule the waves,

A wealth built on the work of slaves.

But for those men abusin’ pow’r

A judgement when their time is o’er.

Kitchen contretemps

THE wife of reader John Mulholland is determined to add another room to their house by knocking down walls and building a fancy new kitchen.

“I can’t agree with her, and I’m refusing to budge on the issue,” harrumphs John. “If I glue myself to the kitchen floor in protest, would that be extension rebellion?”

Bust like Bob

LIKE a grumpy Grinch, the Diary continues to list those hideously festive things that we want banned this Christmas.

Karen Ralton says: “Yuletide drinks that crop up in Starbucks and Costa should be outlawed. Anything that’s got a name like the ‘Mochafrappucrimboccino’ or the ‘Turkey Giblets Latte With Whipped Cream’.”

Our reader adds: “They taste disgusting and are really fattening. Not to mention the price. Buy one and you’ll be as broke as Bob Cratchit.”

Colourful critique

AMERICAN politician Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made plenty of new chums at COP26 by glugging an Irn Bru, then saying something best summarised as: “Yum!”

But should the feisty left-winger from the Democratic Party have been so vocal in supporting Scotia’s fizzy favourite, muses reader Bert Stroud.

“After putting up with Trump for years,” he says, “you’d think she’d be allergic to anything orange.”

Run ragged

WE recently revealed that Diary correspondent Finlay Buchanan plans to publish his first book. He now informs us he’s working on a second, titled Ultra Marathon Running in Ireland.

The author will be using a pen-name… Eamonn Payne.

Footy funny

“STEVEN Gerrard has fled to Birmingham,” notes reader Tom Cook. ”He’s swapped the home of Billy Connolly for Jasper Carrott-land, so clearly no fan of comedy. Which also explains why he dumped Scottish football.”

Dotty joke

GOOFY gag time. Reader Annie Clarke reveals what you call an apology written in dots and dashes. ”It’s re-morse code,” she says.