THE news that a stage musical version of Irvine Welsh’s novel Trainspotting is being planned has reader Robbie Franklin wondering what songs to incorporate. He suggests adapting a classic lyric from The Sound of Music…

"Raindrops on noses and whiskers of jakies,

Rusty auld needles, cheap lager from Aldi’s,

White powder packages tied up with strings,

These are a few of my favourite things."

Chocs away

WE mentioned that Lord Macfarlane, who died recently, was an illustrious fellow, yet had simple tastes in cuisine.

The Rev Dr Johnston McKay recalls dining next to him when he was Lord High Commissioner to the General Assembly.

After coffee had been served a waiter was observed approaching Lord Macfarlane with a chocolate bar on a salver.

A raised eyebrow brought the comment from the waiter: "His Grace enjoys a Yorkie at this time of night."

Seat of wisdom

“ARE your clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for the laundry?” enquires reader Olivia McBride. “That’s what the backs of chairs were invented for…”

Money matters

AMERICAN comedian Jay Leno was paid millions of dollars every year when he hosted the popular Tonight Show in the States. Though he admits he always found it hard to impress his Scottish mother with Hollywood gossip.

When he first moved to Beverly Hills, Jay informed mum that Sylvester Stallone had recently been paid $10 million for two weeks work on a movie.

There was a long pause, then mum said: “But what’s he going to do with the other 50 weeks? What if no other job comes in?”

Food fracas

THE Diary has been recalling the late Bertie Auld, one of Celtic’s mighty Lisbon Lions. We are told the story of Bertie in later years, who was dining as a guest at Celtic Park, along with former team mate, Jimmy Johnstone.

Lamb chops were being served on the buffet table, and Jimmy, who was rather frail at the time, asked Bertie to get him some.

Having enjoyed the food, Jimmy asked Bertie to get him more lamb chops.

A few minutes later the chef was seen dragging Bertie by the back of the neck from the kitchen.

“This is all your fault!” yelled Bertie to Jimmy, who asked why.

“I’m being done for chop lifting,” said Bertie.

Feeding time

THOUGHT of the day from reader Gavin Ferguson: “Sniffing everything along a path while it goes on a walk is a dog's version of scrolling through its social media feed.”

Read more: What a carry-on after the carry-out