Savage sausage

A FEW weeks ago Fran Healy, the frontman with Glasgow band Travis, had his finger badly gnawed by a dastardly dachshund.

Thankfully Fran has just been through surgery and is now on the mend. Or as one of his fans described it to him: “So you're now Fran Healing?”

Train of thought

A MUSICAL version of Trainspotting is being planned, and the Diary is wondering what songs will be used in the adaptation of Irvine Welsh’s gritty novel about unemployed Edinburgh junkies. Reader Malcolm Rourke suggests adapting lyrics from the musical Oliver…

‘Drugs, glorious drugs,

We’re pure daft aboot ‘em,

Overdosin’ each day,

Then coughin’ up thick green phlegm,

Just time tae stagger doon the buroo, nae workin’ like mugs,

Oh, drugs, wonderful drugs, marvellous drugs, glorious drugs…’

(P.S. Unlike the aforementioned song, this column does not advocate the use of illegal substances. The only thing it’s permissible to be addicted to is The Herald Diary.)

Shadow of doubt

ON the subject of that particular craving… The new Herald Diary Book is now available in all good book shops, and it’s packed with amusing tales, including the one below…

A famous musician was staying at a swanky Glasgow hotel. The chef sent a young porter to the star’s room to ask what he wanted for dinner, and also to give the porter a chance to meet a celeb.

He knocked on the door and when it opened the star said: “Hi. I’m Hank Marvin.”

The porter replied: “The kitchen disnae open till six.”

Food for thought

AMBITIOUS reader Mary Kennedy would like to grow her own food. “Unfortunately I’ve never been able to find any seeds for a steak dinner with champagne,” she says.

Dead forgetful

A RECENT Diary tale reminds a Kilmarnock reader of a family visit to an aunt by marriage. Our correspondent believed this lady was talking about her mother in the present tense, so enquired how she was keeping.

“Whit?” retorted the aunt. “She’s deid!”

Showing no attempt to spare the blushes of our poor reader, the aunt added indignantly: “And you were at the funeral!”

Boozy bad guy

CURIOUS Stevie Campbell from Hamilton asks: “Is there any truth in the rumour that TV presenter Paddy McGuinness's younger brother Nick is in the first episode of BBC Irish police drama Hope Street.”

Adds Stevie: “I’m guessing he’s the fellow playing a pub thief stealing pints from locals.”

Jurassic joke

“WHAT do you call an ugly dinosaur?” asks reader Andy Cook. “An eyesaur.”