Five things we've learned this week

China is thinking about building a spacecraft one kilometre long, 10 times the size of the International Space Station. Part of the thinking is that a large spinning structure could incorporate artificial gravity, so that what went up could stay doon. One imagines aliens checking out the spacecraft’s label: “‘Made in China.’ Should have known.”

Down with dishes

With wifi the way to watch telly, Sky is reportedly ditching its satellite dishes and producing TV sets where everything comes down the line. The plethora of Sky dishes that first appeared on housing estates in the 1980s created the expression “cooncil telly”. Today, it’s inaccurately applied to folk lacking satellite or cable.

Cyclists v ponies

Latest place ruined by cyclists is the New Forest. Rangers there reported verbal abuse after pedal-inflamed crazies ignored signs to stay away during health checks on the forest’s famous ponies. Using the place as a “playground”, the vile velophiles frightened the animals away. However, cyclists claim they are more important than ponies, rangers and walkers.

Top for bottoms

West Ham United fans have topped the English football league – for flatulence. An important survey by website 101 Great Goals found that the Londoners let off 12 toots a match on average. Newcastle came second with 11, with Burnley third on nine. Scientists said folk were clearly attending matches to let off more than steam.

Bleak housework

Household chores have become the latest tedious activity said to keep the brain healthy, increase strength and improve balance. Research by the University of Singapore found housework was “associated with sharper mental abilities and better physical capacity”. Leading idlers retorted that, by remaining seated, folk wouldn’t need strength or balance in the first place.