Bible studies

THE Diary continues to celebrate the man who towers above all others in this fine nation of ours.

Boris Johnson.

This week our splendiferous Prime Minister compared himself to Moses, though Scottish crime writer Douglas Skelton has been doing some intrepid detective work, and discovered that this may not be strictly accurate. Says Douglas of Boris: “He didn't part any seas because he can't even part his hair.”

Though the author does admit there may be one future similarity connecting BoJo and biblical prophet.

With just a smidgen of hope, Douglas says of the PM: “Is he heading to the wilderness for forty years?”

Present (not) perfect

WE asked what Christmas traditions our readers would gladly abandon. Reader Tod Mullen’s better half suggests an end to the habit of giving gifts to loved ones.

“My wife says I disappoint her with my poor decisions 365 days of the year,” says Tod. “And it doesn’t make them any more welcome when those poor decisions come wrapped in shiny paper covered in pictures of Santa and Rudolph.”

High seas hilarity

OF course, some gifts are always welcome underneath the Christmas tree. We’re talking about this year’s Herald Diary Book, now available to buy, which is called ‘Twisted Tails & Nut Jobs’.

It includes many of our finest stories and gags from the year now passing. Such as the following…

When Dave Poole from Appin in Argyll was in the merchant navy he sailed with a Danish engineer named Hans Neesan, who could never understand why the British officers chose to call him ‘Boomps-a-daisy’.

Food for thought

THE young daughter of reader Coreen Barker revealed she never wants to go abroad on holiday.

“Why not?” asked Coreen.

“I only like British food,” she explained. “You know, like Cantonese Chicken.”

Child’s play

POLITICIAN Stella Creasy has been criticised for bringing her baby into the House of Commons debating chamber.

Reader Lisa Taylor agrees with the decision. “Relentless drooling, temper tantrums and waa-waa noises can be very irritating,” she points out. “I really don’t see why a baby should have to put up with it.”

Sad sack

A PHILOSOPHILCAL thought from reader Grant Anderson, who says: “Anybody who believes onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never dropped a sack of turnips on their toe.”

That’s all folks

MANY people struggle with modern technology, and reader Mandy Simms is no different. “I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive,” she says. “But he only accepts a WhatsApp doc.”