A DIARY tale about a chap who found George Orwell’s novel 1984 rather confusing reminds Gordon Fisher, from Stewarton, of a girl he once taught who returned to class after an illness. She had missed a lot of course work and a test on Romeo and Juliet was imminent.

However, with great confidence she assured her teacher she would read the play that night in preparation.

Smelling a rat, Gordon warned her that watching the film of the same name, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, was no substitute for Shakespeare’s original. The girl was outraged by such suspicions and left class with her Penguin Classic prominently tucked under her arm.

The big day arrived, and the girl’s test paper started well, until she wrote: "My favourite bit was when he was being chased by helicopters."

Lurv... Scottish style

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of musical theatre composer Stephen Sondheim. Duglas T Stewart, lead singer with Bellshill Band BMX Bandits, once met Sondheim on a TV programme, where he was very complimentary about a Bandits love song they played on the show. He was particularly enamoured by its romantic title.

It was called Death & Destruction.

Food for thought

A FRIEND informed George Dale, from Beith, that a contestant on The Great British Bake Off had made an Eton Mess. “I was disappointed to miss the programme as I’ve always wanted to learn how to bake one,” says George. “So I Googled Eton Mess, and all I got was ‘Current UK Government’."

Scentsible decision

THE sweet smell of success. Reader Larry Cheyne believes that after developing popular perfumes for ladies, and aftershave for gents, Gucci should now target the youngest market possible by creating a scent called… Gucci-coo.

Top idea

DAFT thought of the day from reader Oliver Wilkinson: “If you happen to find yourself completely naked but want to feel even more naked, put on a top hat.”

Brought to book

GOOGLE data analysis reveals that online searches for the term "Peppa Pig" exploded by 1,900 per cent after the Prime Minister mentioned the cartoon character in a speech.

We are now attempting to persuade Boris to casually drop the name of this year’s Herald Diary Book, Twisted Tails & Nut Jobs, into his next presentation.

With any luck our weighty tome will soon be racing past JK Rowling’s oeuvre in the all-time best-sellers list…

Fall guy

“I MET my wife on the net,” says reader Robert Deane. “We were both rubbish on the trapeze.”