Inflated reputation

ARGENTINIAN kickyball king, Lionel Messi, won the prestigious Ballon d’Or footballing award this week.

We’re not entirely sure that Stirling novelist Ross Sayers is overly impressed by this magnificent achievement when he says: “Is it just a coincidence that Ballon d'Or is an anagram of Dr Balloon?”

A doorable comment

WITH the cold weather kicking in, Tom Wylie from Elderslie went to B&Q in search of draught excluders. Unable to find any, he asked a young employee sporting an "I am here to help you" badge where they might be.

Pointing to a far-off aisle, he said: "Have you tried under doors?"

Comms breakdown

IT’S never too late to say you’re sorry. Though sometimes an apology can arrive at an inappropriate time. Martin Morrison from Lochinver heard a report about a continuing power cut being experienced by the locals of Torphins.

A snow storm had disabled the internet and mobile phones, plus all other forms of technological connection.

“While it was clearly nobody's fault,” says Martin, “it was good to hear somebody from the SSE energy supplier apologising to those affected, live on TV...”

Blown their cover

CURIOUS Stevie Campbell from Hamilton wonders if there’s any truth to the rumour that a scandal is about to break concerning systemic bullying of football match officials.

“Apparently it’s been brought to light by a whistleblower,” says Stevie.

Cop that

YEARS ago reader Barbara Smallwood studied at Glasgow School of Art. She never used her degree, and went into the restaurant business instead, though she still has an astute knowledge of what is deemed valuable in the art world. Which has led her friends to often seek her council regarding bric-a-brac they find in their attics.

She was once visiting a chum, whose husband showed her an old black and white picture of his policeman father in uniform.

“Do you think this is worth anything?” enquired this chap.

“I don’t think so,” said a rather bemused Barbara. “What made you think it had any value?”

“Well,” said the chap, with the merest flicker of a smile. “It is an original constable.”

Ups and downs

SHOPPING in the John Lewis store in Glasgow, reader Jane Cameron spotted a little girl walking hand-in-hand with her mum. “We’ll have to hop on the escalator, now,” said mum to daughter.

“Which one?” asked the little girl. “The upscalator or the downscalator?”

Dead giveaway

DAFT gag time. Reader Laura Stevens asks: “What did the cucumber say to the pickle?”

The answer, of course, is: “Yikes! A zombie.”

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