Seriously, Ricky?

WHY does everyone have to be so serious? It’s okay when accountants, funeral directors and brain surgeons refuse to crack a smile. If they arrived at work wearing clown shoes and brandishing whoopee cushions it would scare the customers and patients, just a smidgen.

But it seems that even funny fellas yearn to play it straight.

Ricky Gervais, who played David Brent in The Office, and also starred in other popular comedy shows, has revealed plans to release a serious pop song.

Bad idea, Ricky. You’ll always be more Brent than Beyonce.

The Diary, meanwhile, refuses on a matter of principle to be anything other than daft.

As the following classic tales from our archives prove, we’re very solemn about being silly…

Marquee of amore

A CHAP in a Glasgow city centre bar once said to his pals: “I asked my wife what women really want, and she said it was ‘attentive lovers’. Or maybe it was a tent of lovers. I wasn’t really listening.”

The Glasgow smile

GLASGOW is legendary as a top tourist attraction, as dreamily magical as Paris, Venice or New York.

A reader was once walking down Sauchiehall Street when she spotted some tourists taking a picture of something on the pavement outside a fast food shop. Curious as to what had attracted their attention, she went over… and saw it was a set of false teeth grinning manically from the pavement.

You won’t often find that sort of marvel in Paris, Venice or New York.

Deep sleep

A READER heard a woman out with her pals in Glasgow’s west end being asked by them how she was coping with her husband being down in London on business for a week. “I’m in a deep depression,” she explained.

“Why’s that?” asked a worried pal.

“I’m sleeping on his side of the bed.”

Foul behaviour

WATCHING a footy match between Irvine Meadow and Cumnock Juniors, a reader heard the Irvine Meadow manager shout to his striker: “Stop fouling!”

Our reader was impressed by this sportsmanship until the chap next to him explained: “That’s football talk meaning ‘Stop getting caught fouling by the ref’."

Religious experience

A BEARSDEN reader’s daughter was learning to drive and offered to take her parents to church on Sunday. When they arrived the teenage girl’s dad said: “Thank you.”

When the daughter said he didn’t have to thank her, he replied: “I was talking to God.”

Bogged down

THE sister-in-law of one of our readers was once being interviewed by a researcher while two young children scrambled about her feet, desperate for attention.

The researcher said: “So, madam. What do you do in your spare time?”

The poor mother thought about this for the briefest of moments, then said: “I go to the toilet.”

Fool’s errand

THE Subway in Glasgow is, of course, called either the Subway or the Underground – but never the tube. As comedy actor Sanjeev Kohli once told some southerners: “In Glasgow ‘traveling by tube’ means getting a piggy back off an imbecile.”

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