Watch the birdie

COMEDIAN Bill Bailey plays the Hydro on December 29, and promises to “give it laldy”.

Bill is a Somerset lad, though he has fond memories of Glasgow. He was once mistaken for a member of Barry Manilow’s road crew while staying in the Moat House.

On another occasion he was spotted strolling along Sauchiehall Street with a parrot on his shoulder (though who hasn’t done that?).

We’re not sure whether the parrot escaped from its perch to flip-flap into the nearby shops for a browse, though we suspect not.

Parrots are notoriously aristocratic avians, and prefer the goods on offer in swanky Princes Square.

Weighty problem

WITH Christmas closing in, reader Martha McLean decided to encourage her eight-year-old daughter, Kimberley, to write to Santa.

Before posting the letter to the big fella in Lapland, Martha had a sly peek at Kimberley’s missive.

“Deer Santa,” read the note. “I hope you ur doing al right and will bring me some nice presints. Also plese try and go to the gym a lot and eet tuns of vegitibals becos you are a bit overwait and my teacher says that coses diapeetes. Love Kimberley.”

Monday moaning

“GETTING fired from working at the Job Centre must be tough,” says Scott Benton. “You still have to turn up at the office on Monday.”

Weans’ world

FANCYING a night out, reader George Harper went to the Citizens Theatre production of A Christmas Carol. At one point children in the audience were encouraged to boo Scrooge, though George noticed an older chap also booing with gusto.

“Och, Tam,” said this chap’s wife. “Don’t you be booing. Booing’s for the weans.”

Rather huffily, the fellow replied: “How come the weans get all the boos?”

What a racket

“I USED to think badminton was the least fun game played with rackets,” says reader Kevin Delaney. “Then I played a round of worseminton.”

Dynamic doggy

CLASSICAL music-loving Colin Carpenter was strolling with his earphones in, listening to Wagner’s stirring Ride of the Valkyries.

As the music reached its thrilling crescendo a chap walked past, accompanied by a sausage dog.

The cumbersome animal ambled along as best it could, though with the operatic music whooshing in our reader’s ears, the dog took on a heroic aspect.

“It seemed to be galloping like a mighty steed,” marvels Colin. “Wagner is the mayonnaise of music. It makes everything more juicy.”

Bear necessities

DAFT gag time. “Why aren’t koalas actual bears?” asks reader Bill Hull. “They don’t meet the koalifications.”

Read more: Grant Stott loved a heckle from young fan