Chris miss

DECEMBER used to be the month when pop bands battled to bag the illustrious top spot in the Christmas charts.

Nowadays the seasonal excitement revolves around guessing which Crimbo hit from the past will face calls to be banned.

The woke mob have previously militated against Fairytale of New York by The Pogues and festive showtune, Baby, It’s Cold Outside.

Reader Barbara Evans says: “The green lobby will no doubt demand the banning of Chris Rea’s Driving Home For Christmas as it encourages the excessive use of fossil fuel. At the very least they’ll force Chris to re-record his hit as Boinging On a Space Hopper Home For Christmas.”

Old school rock

LAST week Douglas McLeod from Newlands attended a lunch with former colleagues, all in their late sixties.

They recalled a previous get-together, watching another elderly colleague perform with his rock band.

This fellow hadn’t turned up to the latest reunion, and the chums scratched their heads, struggling to recall the name of his band.

The puzzle was solved the next day when one of the pals posted an email containing a publicity photo of the band, with their name emblazoned across the top.

How could the absent-minded seniors have forgotten the band was called… Senior Moments?

Sizing it up

A METAPHYSICAL thought from reader Paul Bury, who notes: “There is no precise measurement to indicate when a spoon becomes a shovel.”

Handle with care

PUN-LOVING Fife comedian Richard Pulsford says: “I have a nut allergy. I once shook hands with Marc Almond and came out in a rash.”

Bubble trouble

DEFENDING the PM’s 2020 Christmas shindig, reader Steve Young says: “Don’t be too harsh. Boris definitely stayed inside his bubble. He just happens to have a bubble the size of planet Earth.”

Mind your language

A DIARY tale about a parrot reminds reader Hugh Ferguson of a chum who was a fervent SNP supporter.

This chap owned a parrot named McTavish, who was trained to say “Who’s a pretty boy?” when it heard someone speak in a Scottish accent.

When it heard an English accent it chanted something similar, though "pretty" was swapped for a word which rhymed with the original, though had a very different meaning.

(In case you haven’t guessed, we’re talking about that unmentionable stuff that’s often found lurking on the business end of a farmer’s welly.)

Royal prerogative

“I’M invited to my neighbours’ house for pre-Christmas drinks with nibbles,” says reader Ted Murray. “They treat that flipping cat like royalty.”

Read more: Bill Bailey and Glasgow's parrot in his success