Student stramash

AS we approach the end of the week, Gordon Fisher from Stewarton is reminded of a cheeky rascal he used to teach. This young chap was leaving school one Friday afternoon, and Gordon said to him: "Have a nice weekend."

The grumpy teen snarled back: "You cannae tell me whit tae dae at the weekend!"

The late news

OUR readers are recalling helpful advice given to them by senior staff members of the companies that employed them.

“When I started working for a long established Scottish bank,” recalls Peter Mackay, “I was told that if I ever arrived late in the morning then I should go home early in the afternoon as the establishment didn’t want me to be late twice in one day.”

White (haired) Christmas

‘TIS the season to be jolly… or do we mean jolly old? Iain Mills from Largs says: “I didn’t realise what an ageing population some Scottish coastal towns had until I found out their advent calendars came in blister packs with a pill behind each door.”

Demand an answer

POOR John Mulholland is forced by his wife and daughter into watching BBC1’s Strictly Come Dancing every week.

At the show’s end viewers are encouraged to phone or text a vote for the contestants they wish to stay in the competition.

John was puzzled why people detained in prison were advised not to vote. Was this because those living in a free society look down upon the preferences of the incarcerated community?

Keen to find an answer, John asked his wife why Strictly presenters always say: “Please do not phone if you are watching on remand.”

With a look of withering contempt his wife replied: “You fool! It’s… on demand.”

Wedding woes

SOME noble advice from the rather appropriately named Ian Noble from Carstairs Village, who grouchily grumbles: “Young folk these days? They seem to get divorced at the drop of a hat. Why can’t they stay together and suffer like the rest of us?”

Party politics

THE Diary always has its finger on the pop-picking pulse of the nation. Stevie Campbell from Hamilton gets in touch to inform us that Boris Johnson is to release a new single which he hopes will reach number one for Christmas. The song is of course… It's My Party (And I'll Lie If I Want To.)

Scientific discovery

“I ONLY recently discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person,” says reader Laura Jones. “All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist.”