THE Diary tends to focus an unfair amount of attention on Scotland’s major cities – though we belatedly realise that we should also highlight the thrilling escapades that occur in more rural parts of the country…

Alan Walker from Carradale sends us a recent edition of the Campbeltown Courier which reports that a 49-year-old man has been issued with a recorded police warning after stealing a snooker chalk cube from the Commercial Inn.

Unfortunately the article provides no further details, though the Diary is intrigued to discover if the criminal mastermind had any accomplices. Also whether the heist had been long in the planning…

Enigma variations

THE NHS is stretched at present, though it seems that you can still get highly specialised treatment when required. An 87-year-old neighbour of Norma Gibb confided that she had been given an enigma during a recent hospital visit.

Norma was baffled as to what this meant, and speculated that perhaps the woman had been given a 500-piece jigsaw to complete while on the operating table, to take her mind off medical ministrations.

Having thought about it for some time, our reader finally got to the "bottom" of the mystery when she concluded that the woman must have received an enema.

(Though the Diary is sticking with the jigsaw theory, which is no doubt part of Boris’s magnificent plan to make the NHS fit for purpose in the 21st century.)

Politicos are pants

ON the subject of our wonderful politicians… A Diary tale about last year’s (alleged) Christmas party in Downing Street reminds reader Doug Maughan of the line from comedy great Barry Cryer, who observed that politicians are like nappies. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.

Get a grip

A DIARY photo highlighting the double meaning implicit in a certain English town reminds Gilbert MacKay from Newton Mearns of a similar slice of linguistical loopiness he stumbled across when working among the good folk of Bury.

When asked "What's the way to Oldham?" they would invariably reply, "Some 'old ‘em this way, some 'old ‘em that way."?

Workers or shirkers?

INDULGING in some festive shopping, Bob Wallace from Pollokshields found himself on Buchanan Street one weekday morning. “I could hardly move for people working from home,” he reports.

Footering about

MORE Zen teachings from reader Jim Hamilton: “Never test the depth of the water with both feet.“

Fresh concept

“I’VE just invented the first thought-controlled air freshener,” claims reader Roy Haggerty. “It makes scents when you think about it.”

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