Brief encounter

A CHUM of Robin Gilmour from Milngavie was loading the conveyor belt in the Port Glasgow M&S. This 87-year-old fellow found himself begging the pardon of the two ladies behind him for his slight tardiness.

“Humble apologies ladies,” said he. “But my wife has broken two of her ribs recently and as you can gather I’m new to this game.”

One of the ladies immediately pulled her pal’s sleeve, and said with barely suppressed ardour: “Mags, see him? I’m lookin’ for wan like that.”

Mind your language

THE dictionary is an action-packed book, and we would highly recommend reading it cover-to-cover, at least once a year.

Though we also believe it could do with a re-write, with a few additional definitions added to this most weighty of tomes.

Russell Smith from Largs suggests… Glibido: The flippant misrepresentation of oneself for the purpose of hanky-panky.

Stripped for action

THOUGHT for the day from reader Dan Milne, who points out: “You can never do all of your laundry at once, unless you are entirely naked.”

Monstrous accusation

HIGH school English teacher Mary Chalmers was explaining the plot of Hamlet to a group of students in Motherwell who had never previously read or watched a play written by the Bard.

One eager young scholar piped up from the back of the room: “So hings just keep gettin’ worse and worse for this Hamlet guy? Sounds like the plot of The Gruffalo.”

Snookered – The Sequel

THE Diary has always been the home of edge-of-the-seat entertainment. In fact, our stories are so thrilling that many of our more committed readers wore out the edge of their seats long ago, and are now forced to hover in mid air while enjoying our ripping yarns.

One of our recent dramatic additions to the True Crime genre involved a shocking incident where a man was issued with a recorded police warning after stealing a snooker chalk cube from a local inn.

An intrigued Finlay Buchanan gets in touch to say: “I wonder if the police told the bloke he was under a rest?”

Seasonal sadness

WHAT are the most appropriate yuletide songs to enjoy as 2021 wends its way towards a weary end, we wonder. Reader Christine Brooks has the perfect suggestion: It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Last Christmas.

Sprout shout-out

CONTINUING with our festive theme, Barry Nelson from Newton Mearns gets in touch to ask: “What’s the most popular Christmas wine?”

The answer is, of course… “I don’t like Brussels sprouts.”

Read more: Stolen goods? Get to the end of the cue