WARNING: may contain wibble. Also wobble. Not to mention paroxysms, jabbering and a budding bromance between the Tory Prime Minister and the SNP’s Westminster leader. Crivvens! Read on, readers. Just keep an open mind and remember that there’s nothing wrong with a healthy relationship between two grown men.

Yep, the party was over at Prime Minister’s Questions, this being the last of the session, and one that saw the opposition for the most part granting PM Boris Johnson’s wish that they stop banging on about social gatherings behind the Big Black Door and focus on the Black Death, sorry Black Flu, caused by the omygod virus.

This helped the PM put on a more commanding performance than last week when he looked a beaten man, though credit where credit’s due, he’d been soldiering on while his pregnant wife was doing the real hard work.

This time round the proceedings gave birth to some form of unity when both Boris and Labour opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, prefaced their opening ululations by wishing everyone a merry wotsname. The latter also congratulated the former and his missus on their new baby. No paternity leave for the PM incidentally. Gotta hand it to him. Besides, it’s terrible thing to kick a man when he’s down. So let’s begin.

Sir Keir kicked off with the previous evening’s Tory rebellion against Boris’s Covid plan B for Englandshire, comparing his inability to lead his gang while Labour’s hoodlums stood unusually united behind their leader.

Mr Johnson averred petulantly that other Conservative members had supported him, which was nice. As for Labour: “They wibble-wobbled over plan B. They wibble-wobbled over quarantine.”

Ignoring the serious allegation of wibbling, Sir K waffled about Labour backing measures to save lives and put the nation first, while nearly 100 Tories had voted to put their own smelly freedoms first. (Paraphrasing here).

Quoth Boris: “There he goes again. He comes to this House pompously claiming that he wants to rise above party politics and …then he talks endlessly about party politics and plays political games.” Hey, that’s standing orders word for word. Indeed, there’s a whole section devoted to “partisan trivia”, which the PM also accused Sir Keir of raising.

The dread figure of Christmas Past raised its fearful head when Sir Keir at last mentioned yon Downing Street party: “He claims that no rules were broken. He claims he didn’t know what was going at his own house last Christmas.”

Mr Johnson said an investigation would establish “exactly what happened” in his own house, and meanwhile produced this bombshell allegation about Sir K: “He might explain why there are pictures of him quaffing beer.” To any foreign readers looking in, may I just say: welcome to proceedings at the House of Commons.

There now follow the aforementioned paroxysms, occasioned when Boris shook his head at Sir Keir’s claim that the PM had depended on Labour votes the previous evening.

The Labour leader was dumbfounded. “He says it’s not true!” He threw up his arms. “Oh, God!” For a minute, we thought he was going to hop across the floor like Basil Fawlty with his hands over his head.

Not to be outdone in the hysteria stakes, the PM’s voice went all squeakily soprano on mentioning a ventilator scheme which “he [Sir K] then ridiculously attacked”. Somewhere in the restaurant a wine glass cracked.

Then came this crack from the PM: “We vaccinate, they vacillate! They jabber, we jab! Me Tarzan, he Jane!” Well, not the last bit. If it’s bromance you want, you must wait for Ian Blackford, the SNP’s Westminster leader, who stood up to the usual prolonged theatrical groans. SNP voice: “It’s no’ a pantomime.”

Oh yes it is! When Mr B complained that Scottish businesses got buttons instead of money promised them, the PM observed that the House needed a bigger waste bin for “the synthetic indignation of the right honourable gentleman.”

Then came this bombshell revelation: “In all friendliness with the right honourable gentleman, who I am actually quite cordial with behind the scenes …” Say what now? Cordial? Scenes? Behind? What can it all mean?

Still, it was nice to know. Talking of nice, the PM said an invitation from Labour’s Carolyn Harris to light a Christmas tree in her Swansea East constituency was “one of the nicest things someone’s said to me from the benches opposite for a long time”.

And, shortly after that pleasant note, proceedings drew to a close, with Mr Speaker telling departing members: “Look after yourselves, folks.” Only a mean-spirited Grinch would reply: Oh, they will.

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