AS the year 2022 crawls out of its weary bed, then staggers to the bathroom to gaze, appalled, at its bloodshot eyes in the mirror, while promising never to mix lager, champagne and steak pie again, our readers are likewise regretting Friday night’s (slightly muted) celebrations.

However, Jack Branson admits he enjoyed this New Year more than most.

“I usually visit a Glasgow city centre bar with a few pals to see in the bells,” he says. “Though this year, for obvious reasons, I sipped a few cans in my house, alone, which was a bit depressing. On the plus side, the queue to the toilet was impressively short.”

Italian for beginners

A DIARY tale about a failed chat-up line reminds reader John Hart of a chap who said to a young lady at the dancing: "Where are you going for your holidays?”

Just about breaking through the loud music, he heard her reply: “Naples.”

“Ah, Naples,” sighed the chap. "The city of romance! Such beautiful sunshine...”

“Naw,” corrected the young lady, firmly. “I said, ‘Nae place’.”

Training day

OBSERVANT reader Gordon McRae spotted a statement in a newspaper that read: "30 minutes exercise won’t counteract sitting all day, but light movement helps."

“So I tried moving my desk lamp a couple of times, but didn't feel any great benefit,” shrugs Gordon.

Life lessons

DURING the weekend reader Anne McCrae and her husband discussed what would improve their lives during 2022.

“We should learn something new, like a foreign language or a musical instrument,” said Anne.

“Well, there is something…” mused her husband.

Anne eagerly leaned forward to discover what esoteric and invaluable branch of knowledge her hubby wished to acquire.

“What I’d really love to learn,” he said, “is which of our neighbours never puts the bins out in our block of flats.”


“IF I could be any superhero, I’d be Aluminium Man,” says reader Ted Merton. “My superpower would be foiling crime.”

Food for thought

MANY of our readers will be on a post-festivities health kick by now, which will probably last as long as it takes them to finish perusing today’s Diary.

Pamela Taylor gets in touch to say: “I've realised the problem isn't what I eat between Christmas and New Year. It's what I eat between New Year and Christmas.”

Nutty gag

NEWS just in from reader Brian Thomas, who says. “A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.”