Line of duty

CHAT show host and actor James Corden has revealed that he managed to shed two stone on a Weight Watchers programme. This news inspired the Diary’s squad of rather portly reporters to discuss whether we should likewise cut down on the mountain of munchies we chomp in any given week.

Then we realised that there was a fat chance of that ever happening. For it is only by wining and dining our numerous contacts that we manage to gather our exciting and exclusive tales.

So the next time you spot a member of the Diary’s hardworking team looking red-faced and bleary-eyed in a swanky restaurant, as they gobble and slurp their way through caviar, truffles, lobster, roast swan and champagne, make sure not to interrupt.

For that valiant journalist is unflinchingly working on your behalf. The following classic yarns from our archives prove that the many hangovers and bouts of indigestion that we have suffered in the line of duty have not been in vain…

Boozy badinage

A GLASGOW chap in an Edinburgh pub asked a local: “What colour are your buses?”

“Maroon,” replied the local.

“Oh, thanks very much,” said the Glaswegian. “I’ll have a pint.”

Wedded to singledom

A WORKER at an insurance call-centre in Lanarkshire was dealing with a customer who wanted car insurance for himself and his girlfriend but was surprised by how high the quote was. Trying to lighten the moment, the call-centre worker told him it would be cheaper if they were married.

After a pause, the caller rather ungallantly replied: “Maybe so. But you don’t buy an airline just to get a free packet of peanuts.”

The Diary concluded from this that the chap wasn’t planning on getting down on bended knee any time soon.

Black humour

A DIARY discussion about racy comments reminded one reader of a gag by the variety hall comedian Lex McLean, who said to his Glasgow Pavilion audience: “Told the wife that black underwear turned me on. So she didn’t wash my vest for a month.”

Loafing around

A DIARY mention of Milanda bread reminded a reader of being on a bus in Duke Street near the former Milanda Bakery. A youth got on wearing an overall with the slogan: “Mother’s Pride” stitched on it.

The driver nodded at the badge and asked the chap: “Are you?”

Education fail

TEACHERS sometimes meet pupils in unfortunate places. The politician John McFall, a former teacher, was visiting Barlinnie prison when he was stopped by an inmate who said: “Hi, Mr McFall. Remember me fae school? You were my guidance teacher.”

Money for nothing

A READER was visiting Manhattan where a chap was standing on a street corner wearing a placard round his neck which read: “Bad advice given – one dollar.”

“He was doing a roaring trade,” reported our reader.

Naughty neighbour

A WANNABE comedian on a late night Glasgow bus was heard declaring: “I’ve a neighbour I can’t stand. He was banging on the wall so much at three in the morning I could hardly hear myself drill.”