A FRIEND of Milngavie reader Robin Gilmour suffered a tragic loss after his wife instructed him to remove a 12-pack of beer from the fridge because it was taking up too much space.

Winter conditions outside resembled the fridge, so the booze was transferred to the back doorstep.

When the door was opened the following morning the beer had vanished. Replacing it was a pencilled note jammed in a milk bottle, which read: “Our favourite customer… thanks! The binmen.”

Gone to putt

A GOLFING yarn in the Diary inspires Russell Smith, from Largs, to inform us of an update to the lexicon used by players of the game.

Apparently when a golfer is confronted by a tricky wee five footer, it’s referred to as… a Sturgeon.

Girl talk

WE’VE been remembering Tennent’s "Lager Lovelies", those scantily clad females who appeared on cans of lager back in the days when even drinking receptacles were sexist.

Michael Smith recalls being on a train leaving High Street Station in Glasgow when he spotted some gents who were clearly getting a thrill out of ogling the beer cans in their possession.

“I’ve got Amanda!” gulped one chap.

“I’ve got Brenda!” gasped another.

The next fellow, who happened to be dribbling from his mouth, shrieked: “I’ve got Saliva!”

(The lady portrayed on the side of his can turned out to be Sylvia, though we’re still not sure that’s what he meant to say…)

Teutonic triumph

STRANGE New Year resolutions, continued. “I’ve decided to delete all the German people I know from my phone,” says Robert Bartlett. “Now it’s Hans-Free.”

Fit… wit?

SCOTSMAN Peter Wright’s World Championship darts victory has inspired our readers to celebrate those mighty mortals who bestride the oche. Mick Lee, from Kilwinning, recalls the late darts commentator Sid Waddell marvelling in his broad Geordie accent: "By, you have to be fit to play this game!"

Quackers cuisine

SCOTIA’S native gourmands have been known to indulge in deep-fried pizza and haggis fritters. It seems our English chums also enjoy delightfully deranged dishes, for a swanky London noshery has been boasting about the stuffed duck neck on its menu.

An image posted on the restaurant’s Instagram site shows the amputated neck plonked on a plate, with the unfortunate fowl’s head still attached.

Reader Ken Roberts says: “Complaining about the bill at the end of a meal has never been so apt.”

Less than fruitful

GREEN-FINGERED reader Julia Wilson has been trying to grow genetically modified apples. “But now it’s all gone pear-shaped,” she sighs.