Boxing clever

PLENTY of quality quips at Michael Gove’s expense after the unfortunate Levelling Up secretary found himself trapped in a BBC elevator for 30 minutes yesterday.

Gove himself, who is renowned as an affable Aberdonian, joked that the Beeb’s staff had, “successfully levelled me up”.

Meanwhile, Diary reader Margaret Macdonald says: “Well, he always has been one of the strongest advocates of lockdown policy…”

Game gal

ONE of the Christmas presents received by Matilda, the nine-year-old granddaughter of reader Bob Jamieson, was a game called Carcassonne.

Since receiving it she has unceremoniously dispatched anyone foolish enough to challenge her to play.

“Having been on the wrong end of a severe hammering,” says Bob, “I asked her what the secret was.”

With a mystical, faraway look in her eyes, the little girl replied: “Trust the Process.”

Full of beans

WATCHING TV, Peter Niven from the isle of Bute found himself intrigued by a programme extolling the virtues of a diet based on vegetables and pulses.

What really fascinated our reader was the home economist working on the show, who was named… Anita Bean.

Colourful kip

THE decadent writer Samuel Taylor Coleridge once awoke from an exotic dream that inspired him to write his famous poem Kubla Khan.

Glasgow broadcaster Paul Coia is a more grounded fellow, though it seems that when he snoozes he becomes as cockamamie as Coleridge, for he recently dreamt that he was wearing full armour, leading a medieval army on horseback.

“As we faced the opposing horde on the battlefield, their leader and I met in the middle,” recalls Paul. “We decided there was no need for thousands to be maimed or killed, and we’d settle it by batting each other.

“The winner would be the one who was the best at… colouring in.”

Sporting talk

WE continue examining the arcane lexicon used by golfers. Russell Smith from Largs informs us that when the ball races along close to the ground it’s known as a… Liz McColgan.

Batty advice

FORMER Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe gets in touch to marvel at the latest curious instruction from Glasgow Health Board, who are advising people to ‘walk like a penguin’ in order to avoid slipping in icy conditions.

The Diary would like more information before complying with this unusual request.

For starters, we would like to know which type of penguin to imitate. Is it the famous biscuit or Batman’s portly nemesis?

Not so supermarket

PHILOSOPHICAL question of the day comes from reader Philip Rushton, who says: “Why don’t Selfridges sell fridges?”