Dysfunctional function

“IT’S my party and I’ll be fly if I want to,” could have been the song belted out by a certain blond-haired resident of Downing Street this week.

The nation expects its Prime Minister to be a mover and a shaker. But Boris admitted to Parliament that he’s more of a groover and a schmoozer, partying with politico pals in his back garden while the rest of the country was in lockdown.

It’s unlikely that the PM will be forgiven for his indiscretion. Which is why the Diary is hesitant to admit that we also enjoyed a lockdown bash. Quite a few, in fact.

Though our partying only took place on paper.

Every day in The Herald we attempted to lighten the mood of our readers by providing amusing and memorable stories. We didn’t ask our correspondents to bring a bottle. Just their wit, plus a tale or two.

We believe that the following classic yarns from our archives would make any decent party pop with playful merriment…

Boozy badinage

“I SAW a magazine,” said a chap in the pub, “which wanted readers to send funny photographs of the stupidest things they’ve done while drunk.”

He then added: “So I sent them my wedding album.”

Bus-t up

A READER watched as a frail, bird-like woman got on the Glasgow bus from Newton Mearns only to be squashed against the window by her bulky husband, who sat beside her and cheerily announced: “I bet you wish you married someone thinner!”

“I did,” the woman tartly replied.

Prehistorical playfulness

A NETHY BRIDGE reader told us about his wife teaching in an Aberdeen primary where stories were being written about cavemen. One girl’s essay had a small spelling error.

“They had very little comfort, just a little rough matting on the floor,” she had written, though accidentally mislaid one of the Ts in the tenth word.

Or at least our reader’s wife assumed it was accidental…

Gamble fails

DURING a previous World Cup a reader ventured into a Partick bookie to place some footie bets and was halted by an altercation at the desk where a chap was having a dispute over a bet.

“I’ve been coming here all my life!” the old fella declared, hoping for sympathy.

“We’ve only been open two years,” the not-for-moving assistant replied.

The hole truth

A MUM told us that she pointed out to her little one as he was putting on his school shoes: “You’ve got a hole in your sock.”

“How else would I get my foot in it?” he replied in confusion.

Cutting comment

VISITING his local barber shop, a reader heard the girl cutting a neighbouring chap’s hair say to her customer: “Going anywhere nice for your holidays?”

“Yes, I’m going to Guantanamo Bay,” smirked the customer.

“That’ll be nice,” replied the hairdresser. “And will there be any other smart alecks there?”

Dad disallowed

“MY husband only stays with me because of the children,” declared a woman having coffee with her friends in Glasgow. “Neither of them would let him move in with them.”