A fishy tale
LEITH is one of Edinburgh’s swankier postcodes, as many of our readers will know. Writer Deedee Cuddihy discovered this for herself on a recent visit to friends in the district’s Constitution Street, where a bottle of bubbly was opened, immediately followed by the appearance of Mitzi, the normally shy resident cat, who had been hiding in the kitchen.
Her owners casually explained: “The sound of a cork popping always brings her running because the champers is usually accompanied by her favourite smoked salmon.”
Posh bird?
OVER the last few weeks reader David Donaldson has noticed an unusual sound in Glasgow’s Hyndland – the hooting of an owl.
“You can tell it’s not a native of the West End,” he says, “because it goes 'To-who' instead of 'To-whom'.”
Gaming the system
THE Diary continues to study the exotic terminology used by golfers. Several readers, including Sid Leslie and Tom Mitchell, get in touch to suggest that a poor lie should now be called a Boris.
AND there's more: Bill Rutherford from Galashiels tells us that an unfortunate lie of the ball is sometimes called a Piers Morgan.
This is when you really want to give it a good smack, but, alas, can't.
Heavy commitment
HEALTH-CONSCIOUS reader Glenda Martin tells us: “The first few weeks going to Weight Watchers is just about finding your feet…”
The vulgar tongue
WITH Burns Night appproaching, many of our readers will no doubt be marvelling over the innate lyricism of the Scottish people.
Gordon McRae agrees that we Scots have great linguistic prowess, though he is more intrigued by the profane than the poetical, and has been musing over all the wonderful ways we have devised to denigrate and dismiss our friends and neighbours.
His particular favourites include: “You've a heid fu' o' broken biscuits” and the triumphantly tart “If you had another brain it would be lonely.”
Haggis hell
SO Burns Night is nearly upon us. Businessman Jack Davidson from Newton Mearns recalls spending a previous such occasion in a hotel where he was hosting a trade delegation from Romania. The Eastern Europeans had been promised a feast to celebrate the birthday of Scotland’s most famous poet. They were told that they would savour exotic treats such as they had never indulged in before, including haggis and After Eight mints.
As the festivities commenced Jack glanced at one of the Romanians and witnessed a sight that chilled him to the very marrow.
The delegate was smearing a lump of haggis on an After Eight, which he was using like a cracker.
His fellow Romanians nodded in approval and did likewise.
The meal was not a roaring success.
Acting up
IN a recent tale about the performing fraternity the Diary discussed the activities of a certain female thespian. Intrigued reader Joe Knox gets in touch to say: “I would love to ask her how things are doing in Thespia.”
Chit-chat charmer
A DIARY yarn about an exuberant youth reminds reader Margaret Thomson of the occasion when she took her grandson, aged three, to the garden centre for lunch. He was a real chatterbox, and two ladies at an adjoining table were clearly earwigging.
When Margaret got up to leave, one of the ladies said: “What a delightful wee boy. I could take him home.”
When this was reported to the little chap’s mum, she enthusiastically exclaimed: “Did you get her telephone number?”
Lengthy diatribe
IRRITATED reader Mandy O’Dell says: “I feel like superfluous has too many letters.”
Collective wisdom
SCHOLARLY reader Larry Cheyne is on a mission to discover little known collective nouns. One he recently came across is: “A cameraderie of photographers.”
Questionable question
WISE reader Carol Hibbert gets in touch to say: “Where would we be without rhetorical questions?”
Handy notification
A DIARY yarn about the trials and travails of motherhood reminds Grant MacKenzie from Bearsden of his wife's valiant attempt to toilet train one of the children.
Grant recalls returning home from work to be greeted in the hall by this nappyless youth, proudly announcing that he had, "Dun a poo!"
Not wishing to dampen his enthusiasm (or correct his grammar) our reader heartily congratulated him and enquired where he'd actually done the deed.
"In my hand!" reported the boy gleefully, proffering his unclenched fist.
Dig for victory
EAGLE-EYED Robin Irvine spotted an article on the Racing Post website informing readers that improvements are to be made to the Newmarket roads after some accidents involving horses and cars.
Amongst the blackspots identified, continued the article, was the Bury Road crossing, which apparently can ‘host upwards of 1,000 horse movements per day’.
“One assumes the work will involve a group of council employees with shovels,” adds Robin.
SUBSCRIBE TO GET THE DIARY EVERY DAY
We want to bring you the best The Herald has to offer every day. For just £2 for two months, you can instantly read your favourite writers including Susan Swarbrick, Teddy Jamieson, Alison Rowat, Mark Smith, Vicky Allan, Russell Leadbetter and Barry Didcock, as well as Ron Mackenna, Rab McNeil, and the (in)famous Herald Diary.
When you head over to our subscriptions page you’ll see three options:
• Our Premium subscription, for £1.75 per week
• Our Premium Plus subscription, for less than £2.50 per week
• Our Print Only subscription, which could save you 25% if you enjoy buying the paper.
Our special offer can be found under the “Premium Plus” plan under the option of £2 for two months, then £9.99 monthly afterwards if you decide to stay with us.
Subscribe to The Herald and don't miss a single word from your favourite writers by clicking here
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel