IT’S only January yet already chauvinism and chicanery are rocking Glasgow. Thankfully, the horrors referred to are restricted to the stage, for live theatre has returned to the city. The sexism is supplied in large dollops by the musical 9 to 5, which arrives at the King’s Theatre tomorrow, and is about female office workers exploited by – ugh! – blokes.

The Theatre Royal, meanwhile, has a grizzly murder this week, courtesy of crime drama Looking Good Dead.

9 To 5, of course, was originally a 1980s movie starring country crooner Dolly Parton. Which reminds the Diary of our favourite Dolly quip.

“I’m not offended by ‘dumb blonde’ jokes,” she once explained, “because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know that I’m not blonde.”

Getting your kicks

ENERGETIC reader Tony Holmes still plays Sunday league football, even at the grand old age of 43. Last week he was standing in the opposition penalty box when the ball was crossed. Showing the flexibility of an acrobat half his age, he threw his body backwards and scissor-kicked the ball, scoring.

“What about that?” he shrieked at an opposing player standing next to him. “I scored with a bicycle kick!”

The unimpressed player shrugged, then said: “Mate, you’re so ancient that should be called a penny-farthing kick.”

Colourful comment

POLITICALLY minded reader Chris Jones says: “A new colour has been created called Sue Grey. If spread too thinly it looks like a whitewash.”

Blood and guts

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of rock singer Meat Loaf. We recall the time he played Edinburgh Playhouse in 1982, when his nose started scooshing blood after he hit the highest of notes belting out the song Bat Out Of Hell.

A lesser mortal would have retired for the night.

The Mighty Meat merely cleaned up backstage, returned, and started tossing cans of beer for his audience to enjoy.

Duck tale

WE’RE discussing medical types with amusing monikers. Browsing the information booklet in a hotel in Germany’s Black Forest a few years ago, Moira Campbell started to chuckle upon spotting that the local doctor’s name was Quack (pronounced Qvack).

“Glad I didn’t need his services,” says Moira.

Miner problem

WE continue celebrating exotic golfing terminology. “When you make good contact with the ball but it deviates into the rough, it’s called an Arthur Scargill,” says Ted Murray, from Ayr.

“Nice strike. Pity about the result.”

Elec trickery

“I ASKED an electrician to fix an electrical issue in my house,” says reader Pauline Baxter. “He refused.”