Panhandling for gold
AUTHOR of all things amusing and Scottish, Deedee Cuddihy, has published a new book, The Scottish Cludgie – The Good, the Bad and the Boggin’, now available on her website and various book and gift shops. The tantalising toilet tome contains numerous tales of the true, loo variety.
Better yet, it comes with a specially designed, complimentary bookmark, which can also be used as toilet paper.
With such a high-concept marketing strategy Deedee is now hoping she will soon be flushed with success...
Back to black
WE’RE remembering that larger than life rock and roller Meat Loaf, who recently passed away. Cumnock crime writer Emma Christie recalls a lyric she misheard from Mr Loaf’s classic song Bat Out of Hell, where she assumed he sang: “I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram on a Cilla Black phantom bike…”
With a modicum of shame, Emma adds: “Surprise, surprise, that’s not what he said.”
(Indeed it wasn’t. The Diary’s crack team of researchers have been working through the night to discover the genuine lyrics, which we believe are: “I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram on a silver black phantom bike…”
Though, quite frankly, we prefer the Cilla version.)
Gym jam
FRISKY for some fresh air, Mark Bell is hoping to walk the West Highland Way with his son this summer. When he informed the teenager of the plan, the lad merely inquired: “Are there any gyms on the route?”
Mark said he wasn’t sure, though he added that he would be surprised if they stumbled upon a gym half way up a mountain in the Scottish Highlands.
“Oh,” said the boy with a disappointed sigh. “Then how are we meant to get any exercise along the way?”
Chippy chappie
THE Diary is recalling our favourite fiendishly nasty comments. A friend of reader Barry Watts once spotted a glum-faced fellow, and said: “Looks like he’s been dooking for chips.”
Street of shame
A RARE printing error in The Herald incorrectly placed Helsinki in ‘Fibland’. William Patterson from East Lothian says: “Surely the name Fibland belongs to the country whose Prime Minister has an official residence at 10 Downing Street?”
Hot shot? Not
WE continue celebrating exotic golfing terminology. John Gilligan from Ayr says hitting what appears to be a good drive, then watching the ball thud into inhospitable terrain is known as a mother-in-law shot.
It looked good leaving.
Mouthing off
“I BOUGHT a muzzle for my pet duck,” says reader Arthur Macleod. “Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.”
Read more: Why Dolly Parton is no hair-brained blonde....
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