Far-fetched complaints
ONE of the most entertaining shows regularly performed at Glasgow’s Celtic Connections music festival is the Danny Kyle Open Stage, which is online this year.
Perusing the show’s website, Al Farrer from Saltcoats found the contact page, which included this intriguing message: “All complaints are handled by our complaints department on Rockall, mid Atlantic. Complaints have to be delivered in person.”
(For those unfamiliar with Rockall’s topography, it’s an uninhabited Scottish granite islet, buffeted by stormy waves and miles from even the whiff of civilization. In 1971 Lord Kennet said of it: "There can be no place more desolate, despairing and awful.”)
Musical muddle
A DIARY tale about misheard song lyrics reminds reader Debbie Meehan of the Queen hit, Bohemian Rhapsody, where band members belt out the words: “Spare him his life from this monstrosity.”
Which is very dramatic.
Though what Debbie and her family sing whenever the song is played is even more spectacular: “Spare him his life for a warm cup of tea.”
Dream destination
WE’VE been celebrating exotic golfing terminology. John Petrie from East Kilbride moves the conversation on to another favourite Scottish pastime, bowls.
“A bowl which falls well short of the jack is known as a Judith Chalmers,” he informs us.
For those too young to recall, Chalmers once presented a TV holiday programme titled… Wish You Were Here.
Loafing around
WE’RE remembering rock star Meat Loaf, who sadly passed away recently. Observant John Mulholland noticed that on the day his death was announced the BBC lunchtime weatherman provided a subtle tribute. “Today it’s dry and sunny, but cold,” he said. “Two out of three ain’t bad.”
Bum deal
WE recently mentioned author Deedee Cuddihy’s new book, The Scottish Cludgie. In this tantalising toilet tome Deedee reveals that in 1956 the manufacturers of Izal toilet paper asked psychologists to conduct consumer research to discover if British people were ready for soft, unmedicated toilet tissue. More than 400 interviews later, the psychologists reported that the market was "softening up", though faster in some places than others.
In Glasgow, for instance, they discovered many people hadn’t evolved past using newspaper.
Hair-raising tale
WITH Dolly Parton’s musical 9 to 5 currently being staged at Glasgow’s King’s Theatre we’re recalling our favourite quips from the country crooner. Bill Rutherford from Galashiels remembers her being asked how long it took her to get a haircut.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I’m never there.”
Opinionated? I oppose…
“PEOPLE say I’m a contrarian,” says reader Maurice Mitchell. “But I disagree.”
Read more: Anyone know if there are gyms on the West Highland Way?
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