Brought to book

WE’RE recalling the antics of comedy writer and performer, Barry Cryer, who recently passed away. He regularly wrote for Edinburgh funny man Ronnie Corbett, though Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recalls an encounter Barry had with that other legendary Ronnie… Barker, who was signing copies of one of his books at an event.

Cryer turned up with his wife and, deciding to play a practical joke on his pal, donned sunglasses, borrowed his wife's coat and scarf, and joined the queue for an autographed book.

Pulling up his collar and putting on his best American accent, he asked the great RB to sign the book to John Smith.

Triumphantly swaggering away, Cryer said to his wife: "I certainly put one over on old Barker there. He obviously didn't recognise me."

He offered up the evidence to Mrs Cryer, who opened the book and read the inscription aloud to her smug hubby: "P**s off, Cryer. Can't you see I'm busy?"

Strange brew

A FEW days ago the police were called to investigate a suspicious package found in Glasgow's Dennistoun, which thankfully turned out to present no danger.

Perplexed by this puzzler, reader Stevie Campbell wonders why the Dennistoun denizens distrusted the dubious package in the first place.

“Was it, in fact, an unopened carry-out?” he muses in savvy Sherlockian fashion.

Celtic confusion

FOOTY fan Joe Knox told a chum who also enjoys the game that Celtic would be fielding one of their recent signings, who happens to have an Irish-sounding name.

“Oh really?” said the chum.

“No,” said Joe. “O’Riley.”

Creepy Cliff

SLIPPERY song lyrics, continued. When Brendan Keenan first met the lady who would become his wife, she told him that she was bewildered as to why Cliff Richard wanted to "please her chest" in Living Doll.

Rather prosaically it transpired that what Cliff actually wanted to do was: "please her, just ‘cos..."

Heavy-hearted

THE Diary is once again improving that fusty old tome, the English Dictionary, by adding definitions that don’t currently appear in it. Reader Jim Hamilton suggests Flabbergasted (adjective): appalled at how much weight you’ve gained.

Holiday hopeless

WE’RE discussing bowling terminology. Jim McDonald from South Lanarkshire refers to a previous colourful description we published, describing a bowl which stops well short of the jack. In South Lanarkshire, he tells us, it’s referred to as a "holiday postcard bowl".

In other words… wish you were here.

Sluggishly sad

GLOOMY thought for the day from reader Alan Hearn, who says: “Slugs are just divorced snails.”

Read more: Meme of the day