Browned off

THE Diary hears that the Legal Department at BBC Scotland's Pacific Quay in Glasgow has emailed all its journalists around the country, appealing for the return of a copy of a certain tome, which appears to have been filched from their shelves.

And the name of the book in question? Renton and Brown's Criminal Law.

Perhaps the crafty culprit was searching for tips for future pilfering…

Hard to swallow

A MEMBER of the Diary’s Zoology Department recently pointed out that a slug is merely a divorced snail.

Skipping from zoology to culinary, Peter Mackay from Kincraig recalls a similar remark made by MasterChef Muncher-in-Chief Gregg Wallace.

Commenting on his divorce from an ex-wife, the gobby gobbler said it had been very fair as they divided the house equally.

Gregg got the outside.

Beyond our Ken

WE’RE discussing the late craggy and croaky country crooner, Kenny Rogers. You may assume there’s nothing complex in Kenny’s laidback lyrics, but that isn’t true. They’re often as obscure as James Joyce’s garbled masterpiece, Finnegans Wake.

Fortunately we have our crack team of literary scholars to provide in-depth analysis…

“See that Kenny Rogers wan,” says Diary correspondent Norma Gibb. “Instead of singing about a ‘loose heel’, and feeling sorry for himself, was it beyond him to just strap it up with something, and get on with his croppin', tae feed his four weans… just askin', likes.”

Box clever

ENJOYING a stroll with his wife, reader Iain McDermid noticed a construction worker kicking a recently-delivered box. Iain’s missus turned to hubby with a pained expression and said: “What’s the point of that?”

“Oh,” said Iain. “It’s probably just a box-kicking exercise.”

Watch the birdy

WE’RE reminiscing about the late Barry Cryer, that talented comedy scribe who wrote for Scottish legends such as Ronnie Corbett and Stanley Baxter.

David Miller from Milngavie recalls one of Barry’s favourite gags…

A woman buys a parrot for £5, sold on the cheap as it previously lived in a brothel and picked up some colourful language.

Arriving in its new home, it squawks: "New place, nice surroundings."

The woman's daughters arrive: "New girls, nice looking."

The woman's husband walks in: "Morning, Keith."

Flimsy faux pas

WE continue improving the English Dictionary by supplying definitions that don’t currently appear in it.

Jim Hamilton suggests: Negligent – absent-mindedly answering the front door in your nightgown.

What a card

“THE cold weather meant I had to scrape ice off my windscreen using my supermarket loyalty card,” says reader Ian Jenkins. “Only got 10% off.”

Read more: Why Barry Cryer sneaked up to Ronnie Barker