Passionless Posh

DAVID Beckham has revealed that his wife, Victoria, has eaten the same meal, every day, for the last 25 years.

It doesn’t even sound like a particularly appetising dish, for there’s no red meat, chips, whisky sauce, overflowing gravy-boat, goodies plucked from a deep-fat fryer, wobbly jelly with lashings of cream or satisfying Cuban cigar.

The Diary team indulges in all of the above, first thing every morning, we are proud to confirm. For we believe in the importance of starting the day with a healthy, invigorating breakfast.

Victoria, alas, only nibbles on grilled fish and steamed veg. Or if she’s feeling particularly daring, she may instead take a chance on steamed veg with grilled fish.

No wonder she always appears to be scowling.

Unlike picky, pouty Posh, the Diary understands that variety gives life its essential vim and vigour. That also applies to the treats we offer up to our readers.

The following classic yarns, plucked from our archives, involve such juicy morsels as true crime, romance on the ropes and oodles and oodles of refreshing vodka.

And, thankfully, not a steamed vegetable in sight…

Foiled again

WE once heard about a man being grilled by a Partick supermarket security guard who claimed the shopper had put something suspicious in his backpack.

The guard looked in the bag and asked why it was lined with tinfoil – a common ruse to block security tag signals.

The man responded with admirable sangfroid.

“Someone,” he said indignantly, “has stolen my roast chicken!”

Dizzy… and daffy

A MILNGAVIE reader had a handyman fixing some loose tiles on his roof who came down his ladder and said he would have to go home early as he was feeling dizzy.

“Vertigo?” asked our reader. “No, not far from the town centre,” replied the handyman.

Wash and go

WE recall a conversation overheard in an Ashton Lane pub. A young Glagow woman was explaining to her pals about the latest disaster in her love life when one less than supportive chum piped up: “I’ve had showers that have lasted longer than some of your relationships.”

Hot topic

DISCUSSING the age old subject of independence, a Glasgow reader once pleaded: “If Scotland finally breaks away from the UK, can we end up just west of Portugal?”

Wobbly workforce

A RETIRED boss recalled when a few of his younger staff started drinking vodka at lunchtime so that their breath wouldn’t smell of alcohol.

He informed them that he’d prefer if they drank whisky as he thought it would be better if the customers thought they were drunk rather than stupid.

Animal magic

A YOUNG Lanarkshire girl was keen to have some pet goldfish, so while searching the cupboard she shouted out: “Have you seen the fish bowl?”

“No,” yelled back her dad. “But I think I saw the cat playing darts once.”

Boozy badinage

“MY doctor says I’ve got to find a hobby that gets me out of the pub,” said a regular at the bar. “So I’ve taken up smoking,” he added.