THE sun was shining brightly one morning, so energetic reader Gordon Wright decided to wear his shorts for a power walk.
âThe temperature was much lower than anticipated,â admits Gordon, who adds: âBy the time I got home I was feeling like Putin's daughter â my substantial assets were frozen.â
Mind your language
TO prove our thesis that schools would run more efficiently if the authorities banned children from attending, the Diary has been publishing a series of exposes about pesky pupils who make every teacherâs life a daily disaster zone.
Brian Johnston, from Torrance, East Dunbartonshire, recalls a story about a little girl who was found in the school corridor in tears. She confided her distress had been caused by a classmate calling her names. She refused to say what she had been labelled because it was a âbad word".
Eventually, she was persuaded she could spell the word out.
"He called me a f*****g C-O-W," revealed the girl.
Power-peddling Puss
AFTER unsuccessfully checking local shops for a new bed for her pet cat, reader Alice McLean logged on to Amazon, where she found the very thing that would be comfortable for her moggie.
After clicking âBuy', up popped a notification stating: 'Customers who bought this item also boughtâŚ'.
Alice was surprised to discover that instead of pet feeding bowls, the other items included "smart cycling sunglasses".
âI can picture the scene,â says Alice. âPuss spinning along Campbeltown Esplanade on his drop-handlebar bicycle, sporting his trendy shadesâŚâ
Finger-licking good
AS a youth living in America, Matthew Howard attended an exhibition where Moon rock brought back by astronauts was on show.
Our reader rubbed one rock with his fingertip, then popped the dirty digit in his mouth.
âWhen I told my wife years later,â says Matthew, âshe scolded me and said: âIâll never again be able to think of the Moon as romantic, now I know you licked it.ââ
Rural rabbiting
ON Radio 4âS Any Questions a Tory minister explained the Government and the National Farmersâ Union were setting up a fertiliser round-table with regard to food security.
An East Dunbartonshire resident says: âThis suggests theyâll be sitting together talking s***. So no difference there, then.â
Dodgy definition
THE Diary recently mused upon the matter of what exactly is a trebuchet. âIt might be the name given to a group of three buchets,â suggests comedian Andy Cameron.
Ego ointment
âDUE to smugness Iâve been prescribed anti-gloating cream,â says reader Gavin Wright. âI canât wait to rub it in.â
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