Bar-room badinage

A DIARY tale about marital confusion reminds Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock of an incident in his club bar.

After a few drinks, a pompous member denounced current morality, ending his diatribe with a question to a bored chap who happened to have the misfortune of standing nearby.

"I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married,” he said. “What about you?"

"I'm not sure,” replied the other chap. “What was her maiden name?"

Heroic explorer

RELAXING in an Edinburgh cafe, reader Sarah Black overheard an elderly, well-dressed lady discussing her hubby’s shortcomings.

“Married 40 years, and he still struggles to help with the shopping,” she sighed to a friend. “I sent him down an aisle in M&S to fetch the lemon and black pepper mayo and he turned all Scott of the Antarctic about it. I was rather surprised the poor dear made it back to base camp.”

Niffy knowhow

AN East Dunbartonshire reader who is an admirer of a certain English bard points out that Hamlet didn’t suffer from any Covid-style ailment during his lifetime.

“He certainly never lost his keen sense of smell,” says our reader, “because he knew there was something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Food for thought

“YOU don’t check the fridge multiple times to find new food,” says reader Gordon Crawley. “You check to see if your standards have dropped enough to eat what’s available.”

Life’s a drag

JAUNT-LOVING Bob Jamieson took his granddaughter to an animal sculpture exhibition. Staying 30 minutes, Bob asked the little girl if she had enjoyed herself as they returned to the car.

“It was great,” she trilled. “But if mummy and daddy had taken me, they’d have dragged me round for hours to make sure they got their money’s worth.”

At this point Bob decided it was best not to reveal that he had indeed got his money’s worth.

The exhibition was free.

Mind your language

ACTOR Brian Cox has admitted that since playing the part of a fictional media mogul in award-winning TV series Succession, he can’t stop swearing. (His character, Logan Roy, who like Brian comes from Dundee, has a rococo way with words, to say the least).

Glasgow author Deedee Cuddihy can sympathise, as writing her book The Wee Guide to Scottish Swearing last year had a similar effect on her vocabulary.

“I don’t swear like a trooper,” she sighs. “A trooper swears like me.”

Pancake planet

SCIENTIFICALLY-MINDED reader Mike Murphy says: “The Earth is made up of 70% water and it’s uncarbonated. So it’s technically flat.”

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