Chickening out

A FOODY photo in the Diary reminds Stuart Pollard of the time he lived with his family in Holland and they had two favourite pizza parlours. One was in a very old Dutch stepped gable building which had survived severe subsidence. The other served wine in chicken-shaped carafes, where the wine was poured through the beak.

So the question Stuart always asked his children was: “Do you want to go to the Leaning Tower of Pizzas or the Vomiting Chickens?”

Baby talk

READER Gordon Fisher 's mother is getting on in years, though her memory remains sharp. Or maybe she just has a keen awareness of her wee laddie’s habits.

Out of curiosity, Gordon asked if she remembered what time he was born. Quick as a flash, she replied: "You were born at 10:34 in the morning, and you were washed, shaved and in the Cross Keys for opening time."

Motion sensitive

SOMETIMES you're intent on spending a penny, then discover that due to inflation that’s nigh on impossible.

Martin Morrison from Lochinver visited a public convenience and was taken aback when asked to shell out 50p for the privilege. He was even more disturbed to realise the transaction had to be by card.

“I know we’re fast approaching the surveillance state of Orwellian prophecy, and are used to having our movements recorded,” says Martin. “But surely some movements can stay private?”

Cop-out computer

EXASPERATED reader John Biggam says his laptop is running slow, almost as if it’s half-asleep. “I think I’ve found the reason,” adds John. “I discovered a Z drive to which I have no access. Obviously it uses this drive to go and have an uninterrupted power nap.”

Hair today…

VISITING the pub, Mark Ramsay overheard a conversation between a middle-aged chap and his son, who was visiting home after being away for months at university.

The younger man was slightly fuzzy of face, causing his father to mutter dismissively: “Looks like you’ve been trying to grow a beard, but your face isn’t cooperating.”

Downton lowdown

A PUBLIC announcement from former Glasgow Labour MP and movie connoisseur Tom Harris: “Security warning!” proclaims Tom. “If someone sends you a link claiming to be a trailer for the new Downton Abbey film, DO NOT CLICK IT.

“It is a link to the trailer for the new Downton Abbey film.”


“I PAID up front for a carpenter to build me a double bed,” says reader Bob Curran. “But he’s only gone and done a bunk…”

Read more: Meme of the Day