Sounds familiar?

A DIARY tale about marital confusion reminds Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock of an incident in his club bar.

After a few drinks, a pompous member denounced current morality, ending his diatribe with a question to a bored chap who happened to have the misfortune of standing nearby.

"I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married,” he said. “What about you?"

"I'm not sure,” replied the other chap. “What was her maiden name?"

* AND the wife of raffish Russell Smith from Largs asked him: “Was I really the first girl you slept with?”

“Not sure,” replied Russell. “Were you ever stuck in a Marks & Spencer lift about 20 years ago?”

Heroic explorer

RELAXING in an Edinburgh cafe, reader Sarah Black overheard an elderly, well-dressed lady discussing her hubby’s shortcomings.

“Married 40 years, and he still struggles to help with the shopping,” she sighed to a friend. “I sent him down an aisle in M&S to fetch the lemon and black pepper mayo and he turned all Scott of the Antarctic about it. I was rather surprised the poor dear made it back to base camp.”

Peddle power

AFTER unsuccessfully checking local shops for a new bed for her pet cat, reader Alice McLean logged on to Amazon where she found the very thing that would be comfortable for her moggie.

After clicking "BUY", up popped a notification stating: "Customers who bought this item also bought…".

Alice was surprised to discover that instead of pet feeding bowls, the other items included "smart cycling sunglasses".

“I can picture the scene,” says Alice. “Puss spinning along Campbeltown Esplanade on his drop-handlebar bicycle, sporting his trendy shades…”

Ego ointment

“DUE to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream,” says reader Gavin Wright. “I can’t wait to rub it in.”

Life’s a drag

JAUNT-LOVING Bob Jamieson took his granddaughter to an animal sculpture exhibition. Staying 30 minutes, Bob asked the little girl if she had enjoyed herself as they returned to the car.

“It was great,” she trilled. “But if mummy and daddy had taken me, they’d have dragged me round for hours to make sure they got their money’s worth.”

At this point Bob decided it was best not to reveal that he had indeed got his money’s worth.

The exhibition was free.

Chickening out

A FOODY photo in the Diary reminds Stuart Pollard of the time he lived with his family in Holland and they had two favourite pizza parlours. One was in a very old Dutch stepped gable building which had survived severe subsidence. The other served wine in chicken-shaped carafes, where the wine was poured through the beak.

So the question Stuart always asked his children was: “Do you want to go to the Leaning Tower of Pizzas or the Vomiting Chickens?”

Downton lowdown

A PUBLIC announcement from former Glasgow Labour MP and movie connoisseur Tom Harris: “Security warning!” proclaims Tom. “If someone sends you a link claiming to be a trailer for the new Downton Abbey film, DO NOT CLICK IT.

“It is a link to the trailer for the new Downton Abbey film.”


“I PAID up front for a carpenter to build me a double bed,” says reader Bob Curran. “But he’s only gone and done a bunk…”

What a card

THE Diary continues collecting evidence to prove our thesis that schools would run more efficiently without pupils.

Eddie Mackinnon in Alexandria knew a primary teacher named George. One day a student handed him a collection of Pokémon cards as he was leaving class. George asked the little fellow why he was offering this strange gift.

“Well sir,” said the boy, “as you keep taking the cards off other pupils in the class, I thought you were a Pokémon collector.”

Mysteries mystery

THE confused and agitated mother of reader Jennifer Walker admits she has no idea what happened to her prized collection of Agatha Christie novels.

A concerned Jennifer says: “Hopefully mum’s not lost her Marples.”

Snail trail

A DIARY yarn about escargot puts fabled Glasgow comedian Andy Cameron in the mood for discussing the average Glaswegian’s fraught relationship with snails.

Says Andy: “There was a man in the sooside of Glesga who hated the sight and look of the poor wee creatures to the extent that one day he found one on his doorstep and took the despicable decision to boot it as far as he could into the distance. (It might have reached Fenwick.)

“About three months later he heard a noise at his door. When he opened it, there was the same wee escargot, who demanded: ‘Whit did ye dae that fur?’”

Cool purchase

“BOUGHT a fantastic new fridge magnet,” says reader Beth Webb. “I’ve now got 12 fridges.”

* Read Lorne Jackson's Diary every day in The Herald