By royal command

AT long last Harry and Meghan have done the right thing and visited their relatives in Windsor, where they held a secret pow-wow with the Queen and Prince Charles – rhough given the history of the royals, it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that the meeting ended up being more of a pow! bam! zwap! scrap, like one of those sound-effect-laden punch-ups in the 1960s TV version of Batman.

Still, at least Harry and Meghan made an effort, for once.

Though the Diary remains miffed with the Hollywood power couple. For we invited them up to Scotland after the Windsor meeting, to have a stroll round the Diary headquarters.

We were looking forward to introducing them to our hardworking staff, including Junior, the 98-year-old copyboy, still waiting for a promotion after 82 years fetching buns and brewing tea.

Most of all we wanted to unbolt the reinforced concrete door housing our archive of favourite Diary yarns, to proudly show off the finest gems in our collection.

But Harry and Meghan couldn’t find the time. So instead we’ve decided to share some of our classic tales with you, our non-Royal, but ever-loyal readers…

High-flying fantasy

WE recall when a Glasgow bar decided to promote its new bistro by posting a series of tongue-in-cheek tweets, one of which was: “Annual Kamikaze Pilots reunion dinner tonight at 8pm.”

An insider told us: “Unfortunately our young waitresses saw this as an opportunity to meet a pilot. Considering the extra time they spent in front of the mirror, we didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth. So our general manager told the disappointed girls that the pilots cancelled due to bad weather.”

Biting wit

EVEN chemists can have a sense of humour. A Glasgow reader waiting for his prescription heard a young woman, who was scratching her pink arm, ask the pharmacist: “What’s best for nasty insect bites?”

“Probably midges,” he replied.

Sugar snaffled

PILFERERS are everywhere. A reader who once worked at Babcock’s told us: “I would take a two-pound bag of sugar in on a Monday and when I came back in on a Tuesday the bag was always empty.”

He added: “It was always thought the nightshift was spent making tablet.”

Snarky shrug

WHEN the Scottish Government proposed to lower the age of voting in any future referendum, a Diary reader suggested that if that happened an additional answer should be added to the ballot paper.

The three options would be: Yes, No or Whatever.

Time challenge

A CHAP in the pub said he couldn’t help it when his wife looked up from her magazine and announced: “It says here it would improve your sex life if you just walked 20 minutes a day.”

He replied: “Why? Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?”

Eye, eye

A BEARSDEN dad told us his son came rushing in from the kitchen and declared: “I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.”

He then added: “Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.”