Food for thought

ON a bus into Edinburgh, reader David Cunningham overheard an elderly lady chatting to her teenage granddaughter.

“Gran,” said the teen, “when we get into town can I get one of those vegan sausage rolls from Greggs?”

“What on earth is that?” inquired the appalled grandmother, who added dismissively: “Is it a carrot covered in pastry?”

Wash and go

IN the late 1960s, when hippies roved the Earth, reader Bob Forsyth got chatting to a woman at a rock concert.

Although posh, she was dressed in frayed jeans, wore battered sandals and had a bandana round her tangled hair.

At one point she said: “I really just wanna go to Thailand. Y’know, just to cleanse my mind.”

Bob replied: “Wouldn’t it be cheaper to take your mind down the local launderette for a good washing?”

Sadly Bob never saw the lady after that night.

“Perhaps she’s still in Thailand,” muses Bob. “Or the local launderette.”

Certainly certifiable

A DIARY yarn about finding gainful employment reminds Stevie Campbell from Hamilton of a neighbour who attended a job interview. This chap was asked if he’d received any certificates from his former school.

"Only wan," he said.

“And what was the subject matter?” inquired the interviewer.

"Leaving," said the chap.

Bread role

GENEROUS Nicola Barnes from Cumbernauld would love to tell Diary readers her secret recipe for Indian flatbread. “But first,” she warns, “everyone will have to sign a naan-disclosure agreement.”

Mask task

WE mentioned that the easing of face mask requirements is proving problematic for our readers, who don’t know what use to make of the vast quantities of masks they have stockpiled.

John Forrest from Paisley has a suggestion. “Elephants always seem bored,” he points out. “Maybe they’d have more fun if they were encouraged to take skydiving lessons using disposable facemasks as parachutes.”

Our reader is no fool, and realises that elephants are hefty beasts, whose downward trajectory would not be greatly slowed by a single face mask.

“That’s why I’m suggesting they use two face mask parachutes,” explains John. “One attached to the trunk. The other tied to the elephant’s tail.”

Mind your language

AVID collector of malapropisms Iain Colvin, from Bridge of Weir, has heard some classics in his dealings with family, friends and colleagues. One favourite is: “We’re singing from the same spreadsheet.”

Bite on flight

AN English chum of reader Andrew Low recalled being given haggis as an in-flight meal. This chap, who was no fan of Scottish culinary treats, joked: “I've had bad food before, but that was plane offal.”

Read more: The songwriter and the sanctions debate