Toys R Us

TOYMAKER Mattel is launching a Barbie doll of the Queen to celebrate her Platinum Jubilee.

Why stop there?

The Diary would also like to see a Prince Harry doll, with a string attached to the back that, when tugged, makes Harry say a variety of fun sentences such as: “I hate my family. I do, I do, I do!” And also: “Pretty please, Mr. Netflix executive, can I have oodles more dosh?”

Regrettably Mattel has repeatedly ignored the emails sent by the Diary, in which we pleaded with the company to launch a range of Diary action figures.

Our proposal included such thrilling dolls as ‘Office Worker with Bubble Wrap Accessory’; ‘Argy-Bargy Couple On Late-Night Bus’ (bus not included with toy-set); and ‘Grumpy Old Lady and Chatty Butcher’ (children must be supervised AT ALL TIMES when playing with Butcher, as meat cleaver and other small-part attachments are potential choking hazards).

At least readers of all ages can enjoy, below, the classic stories that inspired our toys concept, as we once again dive into our archive of inimitable yarns…

Air we go

“A LARGE roll of bubble wrap arrived in the office and I asked the boss what to do with it,” said the young office assistant.

“He said, ‘Just pop it in the corner.’

“Took me two hours.”

Daffy drinker

IT can be stressful ordering coffees with all their different names. A reader was in a Glasgow coffee shop when the barista shouted: “I have a tea, latte and cappuccino.”

No one moved to collect them until the chap serving stared at the customer at the front of the queue who eventually replied: “No, not mine. I ordered a latte, cappuccino and tea.”

Bus-t up

A READER catching a late-night bus in Glasgow heard a young woman angrily tell her boyfriend: “You always blame everyone else when things go wrong.”

Our reader savoured the response of the boyfriend: “And whose fault is that?”

Sweet deal?

BACK in ancient times, when you could grab a movie in video-form from a local retailer, then return it the next day, a Partick chap told his pal: “I was in Blockbusters, and you can get huge bags o’ sweets with yer films.”

His mate thought about this before asking: “Who would want to rent a bag o’ Maltesers?”

Meat and greet

AH, marital bliss. A reader heard an elderly lady in a butcher’s shop in Helensburgh complaining about her husband and remarking: “He really annoyed me this morning.”

“How’s that?” asked the chatty butcher as he prepared her order.

“He got up before I’d left the house,” she replied.

Wifely woes

ONE of our readers told us about picking up her seven-year-old granddaughter from school, and the conversation turning to a family wedding they had both recently attended.

“Why?” asked the little one with much puzzlement, “did the minister ask if the groom would take her to be his awful wedded wife?”