Brut force?

THE big news on social media is that Elon Musk has purchased Twitter. The Diary came close to buying the site, though our offer of ten quid plus a mouldy Cadbury’s Chocolate Button discovered in a crevice of our office sofa was deemed an insufficient sum compared to the $44 billion shelled out by moneybags Musk.

Meanwhile, many Twitter users are struggling to acclimatise themselves to the news. On the site, Govanhill poet Jim Monaghan says: “Turns out that Elon Musk is actually a real person! I need to start keeping up with things.”

So what was his previous impression regarding the South African entrepreneur?

“I thought he was a 1970s aftershave,” admits Jim.

Bean scene

STROLLING down Sauchiehall Street, Murray Garner overheard the following intriguing snippet of conversation. Said an elderly lady to a chap: “He wis covered in beans. I mean, his trainers an a'! Snotters and beans were the order of the day.”

Our reader is now desperate to know what the couple were discussing. “Perhaps,” surmises Murray, “they have a friend who is training for the next Olympics, where he’ll specialise in the Snotter and Beans Obstacle Race. Let’s just hope he bags gold for Blighty. It’ll be a proud moment for the nation.”

Will’s wan

MOVIE fan David Adams once visited Clydebank Asda in search of a DVD of the film Master and Commander starring Russell Crowe. Two versions were on sale, one slightly dearer than the other, so David enquired what the difference was. The salesperson explained the more expensive version contained a preview of the new Will Smith movie… “Wan Robot.”

Clickety-click… ker-ching!

AN acquaintance of Brian Logan from Langside revealed he could tap dance. Our impressed reader asked him to demonstrate.

“So he started hopping from one foot to the other,” says Brian, “while singing ‘Gie’s a len ae a fiver’.”

Boxing clever

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. As a GP, Russell Smith from Largs was regularly confronted by enigmatic requests from patients. One chap always asked for his prescription of Benny Lynch.

The punchy punter was actually after a dose of Benylin.

Invisible writing

ACERBIC current affairs commentator Douglas Murray has written several best-selling tomes, though he has suffered the occasional setback. Recalling an essay he wrote for a book overseen by a former Prime Minister, he sniffily says it was “edited by Gordon Brown, and therefore read by nobody”.

Building contacts

“WENT for an interview at IKEA,” says reader Alan Spinney. “The manager greeted me by saying, ‘come in, make a seat’.”

Read more: So is it true that the old ones are the best?